No. 23 - Decoding Body Messages
Ready to do the deep work? What does that even mean in real life? This year marks 20 years since I was diagnosed with cancer; it's a big anniversary for me because it means I'm NO LONGER at risk of getting Lymphoma more than anyone else around me. Hitting this milestone also freed me of it, lightening and softening me in a way that has felt heartbreaking and empowering. Not many people can relate to me here... because there are not as many people here. I've reached the place where doctors now look to people like me to learn the cause and effects of our medicines. What happened to my body long-term now that I survived this illness and these toxic medicines? I wanted to read myself, my history of symptoms, my current symptoms 20 years later, and how I'm navigating the Playing Field of Life this year with everything I learned. I share how I'm doing the deep work and what's come up for me as I've gone there.
Here's my Design and Colour Palette:
Design Type: 6/2
Colour Palette: Sound / Shores / Personal / Need
Here's a Highlight of my InSight:
Read my symptoms with me, referencing Louise Hay's work
Identify where I've been clenching/releasing in life
Hear how I feel about playing a character in a red hat!
My long-term symptoms as a cancer survivor
Learning about my dad's secret life
Uranian beings and why age 40 is important
What I learned about freemasonry and my lineage with the shrine
Reading the omens on my ancestors' gravestones
The intertwining pathways of identity and business
Working with Bumblebee
Vaness Henry: 0:03
It's Vaness Henry, you're listening to InSights, my private podcast, exclusively for community members like you. Here's my latest insight. Hello and welcome to a deep season of work, a time of the year where we're doing deep work, looking at ourselves in some of the dark nooks and crannies that we maybe run from throughout the year. What does it mean to be doing the deep work? What does that actually look like? Yeah, that's all nice, sounds nice in theory, really cute, but what does that actually look like in practical life?
Hello and welcome to a deep season of work, a a time of the year where we're doing deep work, looking at ourselves in some of the dark nooks and crannies that we maybe run from throughout the year. What does it mean to be doing the deep work? What does that actually look like? Yeah, that's all nice, sounds nice in theory, really cute, but what does that actually look like in practical life?
00:45
I thought I would share with you some of the things that I'm going through in my experience the different areas of life where things are kind of shifting Astrologically. This year we're moving into a time where there is a lot, of, a lot of the celestial bodies around us are going to be moving into new signs, and these are new beginnings. And when some of these external planets in our solar system move into new signs, it's pretty significant because their orbit around the sun is quite a bit longer than what ours would be on earth. So when one of those external planets way out in the beyond does shift into another position, it's pretty climactic, you know. It's pretty um. It's intense because in some of these planets, our lifetimes, these these planets won't be moving into these signs again. This is our one chance of experiencing them, based on some of our life expectancy, our life expectancy is on an 80 year Uranian cycle. That's about the length of time it takes Uranus to orbit Um, but we are moving toward a Neptunian cycle, so we are living longer. You can see a lot of people, a lot of humans, are living into their hundreds now and beyond.
02:01
I personally love um studying. Is it centenarian? However you say? However you say that word when someone has made it to a hundred. I would love to experience three digits, and so I'm always studying blue zones on the planet and these places where there is a lot of harmony in the environment, because in my work I think that is a huge component to what makes us live as long as possible and inch toward these Neptunian cycles, which I believe. Neptune has perhaps 160 year orbit, but I need to be fact-checked. I need to be fact-checked on that Um, but it takes that many years for or for Neptune to orbit all the way around the sun, and so we used to be in a Saturnian species, then we've evolved into a Uranian species and then beyond that would be a Neptunian species, et cetera, and so on. So something that's really significant for me going on in my life right now. Uh, the year 2025 marks 20 years since my cancer journey began.
02:58
Uh, in 2005, I was in grade 11 and was having a lot of symptoms happen to my body. Primary symptom was itchy feet, and itchy feet was not something that I would have associated with having cancer. Uh, I had other symptoms, of course, but that was the one that was really giving me the most challenge. I would wake up in the middle of the night and my feet would be bleeding because I had been scratching my feet, rubbing them together in my sleep. I couldn't stop doing it and I always found this to be very curious, especially as I went into human design studies.
03:36
My sense in my environment variable is a sense of touch, and we can have a sense in our determination variable our cognition and we can have an external sense in our determination variable our cognition and we can have an external sense in our environment variable I like to call this the navigation sense and for me, I'm a Shor's artificial person with a sense of touch in their environment and, through symptom tracking, a lot of these things that I have done in my shamanic work. A lot of people who had a touch, cognition or a sense of touch in the environment variable would have symptoms with the skin, with the muscles, with the joints, and I just thought it was really curious that that was one of my most loud uh symptoms, because there were other people I met in my experience with the same cancer as me and their symptoms were similar to mine, though that wasn't their most prominent one. To me that felt like, hmm, was that my body's way of you know, communicating what was going on with it and how it was feeling and what I maybe wanted to do to become more aware of that? I really do feel our bodies are always kind of communicating with us in that way, and so feet, using Louise Hay's work, represent our understanding of ourselves, of life, of others. Itching is desires that go against the grain, very unsatisfied, remorseful, or itching to get out or itching to get away. Those symptoms, of course, led to cancer in the lymph, lymphoma, blood, cancer affecting the immune system, the lymphatic system, and it metastasized to my heart, and that's when we eventually found the cancer.
05:09
Cancer in Louise Hay's work represents deep hurt, long standing resentment, a deep secret or grief eating away at the self, carrying hatreds, or this inner question of what's the use? Lymph problems because I had lymphoma is a warning that the mind needs to be re-centered on the essentials of life love and joy. The blood represents joy in the body, flowing freely, and the heart represents the center of love and security. So, looking at all these themes 20 years later, you know I also had a parent who had skin cancer and passed away from skin cancer. So skin, you know interesting, interesting patterns going on there. So what does that mean for me If I carry skin cancer in my line, if I had, if I was someone who had my own cancer, lymphoma, a blood cancer, a lymph immune system issue, a giant tumor filling my chest cavity.
06:05
So 20 years later is a significant date for me because that once you reach 20 years I am no longer at risk of getting lymphoma again any more than anyone else around me. I didn't even realize the way I was clenching in my body, running away from that fear. Just make it 20 years, make it 20 years and you're in the clear. Yeah, I could get, I could get sick in all kinds of other ways, but not that way. That one isn't chasing me anymore and just the idea of being chased for two decades by this deep fear. I was so terrified to get sick again.
06:44
I feel like I woke up 20 years later and my entire life has been centered around this understanding the body, what happens to us, what do we need to know so we don't get perpetually sick, and sick in such a severe way that we lose our lives? I want to talk about some big themes going on this year, things that I look to to help me understand and navigate the playing field of life. But deep behind the scenes, for me personally, I'm entering a totally new chapter where I realize, oh my gosh, this you know I'm in the or illness or sicknesses of other variations, but that story, that journey, that gutting devastation that has completely defined my entire experience here. I'm ready to go to a new place with that. I'm ready to go into a new state of peace around that and to not be clenching so much inside in a way that I didn't even realize Now, as my own studies show me what it means to be in an observer body, having a relaxed environment style, being a shores artificial person, a valleys wide person, a mountains passive person, a kitchens dry person, a markets external person or a caves blending person. That was good. I love that. I remembered all those fact check me. Fact check me, though, make sure I'm right. Um, if you have any of those, you, like me, are an observer environment style, and that really means you're here to live a relaxing lifestyle, whatever that means to you to live a relaxing lifestyle, whatever that means to you. And a big deterrent from my relaxation is this deep, deep, deep internal clenching, embracing a deep, deep, deep, terrible fear that I've been carrying for a long time, reaching 20 years as a cancer. Survivor is significant because not everybody makes it that far. There is a growing group of us, but there's not a lot of people in the world now who can relate to me at this place and in the medical field, doctors are not really sure what to expect from our long-term symptoms that we could have from some of the treatments, uh, such as chemotherapies and radiation. So for me personally, my chemo treatment plan was a little bit too aggressive. They now do not give chemo that aggressive to kids who are my age. We learned through trial and error that there could be other treatment approaches and plans and I've made peace with the fact that I was experimented on a little bit. I was really triggered. When COVID came and we had to go get vaccinated and you don't have a choice, I was like, oh, they're experimenting me again. I had just a whole breakdown around that lost some friends just had a whole shattering really. Um, as I was kind of navigating that experience, and so now I have some long-term symptoms that I do want to share with you. It's a bit vulnerable for me but I thought if I can't share it with you, who can I share it with Right? Um, that's what this space is really for. When we're doing the deep work long-term symptoms medical field doesn't necessarily know what to expect. They look to long-term cancer survivors and ask us to inquire what's going on with you, what's happening and, um, personally, um, we come back to touch a sense of the environment.
10:05
My extremities from some of the chemo and radiation I have have been affected. First thing that was affected I developed a neuropathy in my brain which affected the way my connection operates to my right leg, and so there was a period of time, right before I became a parent really, where I was falling a lot. I had experienced something called foot drop, where my foot would just kind of the connection would short out from my brain and I wouldn't pick up my foot when I was walking and I would just fall really bad and that was really scary. I was at a time where I was in business, I was wearing heels, driving around, going to appointments, and I would just fall and get pretty badly hurt. It was embarrassing. I started to adjust my lifestyle and then, of course, I became a parent and I was like I cannot be falling if I'm carrying my baby and I completely altered my life. I didn't wear the same footwear, I didn't do the same things, I didn't take the same risks. I was not going to put myself in any situation where my limbs might give out in that way and, for example, if I was tired, it would be really bad, like if I'm tired, it's. It's worse. And my mom used to always say I could pick your walk out of a crowd. You have a funny walk. I was like, excuse me, Um, but she was talking about this neuropathy, this foot drop. So when you have something like that develop in you, there's no way to improve upon it, but you can kind of maintain it and something that I did notice.
11:32
Now that I'm 20 years out, I have been experiencing weakness in my hands. As somebody who types a lot, you know, I was like, oh my God, if I don't know my hands, you know what can I do? It's not so much if I have to lift something heavy, um, or if I'm, you know, carrying something, it's the lighter materials. If I'm holding a light cup or a little lip gloss, you know, if I'm holding things that do not have a lot of weight, it's as if I stopped feeling that I'm holding them and I sometimes drop them. Um, over summer and autumn of 2024, I was dropping things and getting incredibly angry with myself. Like how could you just drop that? There were things I just let go of and they would smash and it would break and it would really send me into a rage and I would kind of internally be beating myself up and um, only when my kind of 20 year anniversary came into mind and I'm kind of reviewing my long-term symptoms and things to be aware of, did it hit me. It was like, oh my God, this might really be actually a thing that's with me. And as soon as I kind of brought my awareness there the patterns of the way I was dropping things, you know, started to kind of accumulate and pile up and, to be honest with you, I felt a little bit embarrassed at first but then kind of had that humbling moment of okay, like I need to be aware of this If this is my body changing. I'm getting older. I happen to have a traumatized form that I am healing and loving and learning how to take care of. Again, I'm completely of the mind that the body has the ability to heal itself. But I also know, medically speaking, with some of these damages, they might be with me for my experience and those might just be parts of my experience. Now, you know this uh, subtle weakness in the hands and I maybe just need to be proactive when I'm carrying things or holding things and just be a little bit mindful in a new way, to be honest. But I just thought it was curious that it was the extremities again. Hands, the feet touch, sense, touch, symptoms, touch, things you know are. Those are the things that are shortening out.
13:35
The first, actually, something else that's quite curious 20 years ago, when I was having chemotherapy, I would taste the chemo when it would go into my arm. They I had a little lumen in my arm. That stayed dangling out of my arm. So it was easy to have treatment. So I kind of had these permanent wires hanging out of my inner elbow and they would give me heparin and then give me my chemotherapy that I was doing that week and I would kind of sit there for nine hours and get that drip and I what would happen is it would come out of my tongue All of a sudden my tongue would just taste so metallic, overwhelmingly metallic, and they called me the popsicle kid because I would have to have popsicles during chemotherapy because the, the, the flavor of the chemo is coming out of my mouth. And um, some of the staff said you know, we sometimes hear about people having this reaction. It's not common but it does.
14:24
Now that I'm an adult, I'm like, if that's not the most taste cognition thing I've ever heard, I'd love to see all those other people with that symptoms and see if they have taste cognition right. Because essentially you're poisoning me. You're essentially putting poison into my system, into my arm, but it's coming out of my tongue because I'm taking it in, I'm digesting it, I'm ingesting those really intense kind of medicines. So that's what's going on with me in the background. That's one of the things going on with me in the background. Reaching this 20 year survivor energy, I've got to tell you it's made me feel a new boldness or something like, like a new confidence, a new self-assuredness. I made it. I'm here, I know I'm older, there's other risks of things that could happen to me, but not that, and so because of that I'm feeling. I'm feeling pretty empowered, um, even though it's a season of kind of pulling away.
15:16
And I have also been contemplating my saliva. I know it might sound strange, but from some of these treatments I had my saliva production ceased and I have a really, really dry mouth and the pH balance in my mouth can sometimes be compromised and I go to the dentist a lot to do oral care a lot, just to kind of be up on that and taking care of that Cause I don't want my teeth to fall out or something, you know, because the pH is is out of whack because the mouth is so dry. Um, but the other day I had had something and it was like it was making me drool, like I would sit down for a meal and I would start drooling. I was like what's going on? And this started really happening throughout 2024. And this drooling before I was eating and it was like Holy cow, how do people have this much saliva in their mouth? And I kind of realized, you know, going 20 years without that saliva production, I'm used to it, it's my normal now, and if my mouth is more hydrated in that way, I it's like too much for me or something. So I've been conditioned by this experience. Something else that really came up that really, really really threw me for a whirl and really had me investigating and reevaluating things going on was my past started to kaleidoscope and shift and look differently.
16:35
In 2022, I lost a grandparent at 88 was my dad's dad. My dad died at 41 and so he hasn't been in my life for over 20 years. He died when I was 11 and so it's 25 years of not being with him. And in 2022 and my grandpa passed away. It was still kind of COVID times and they were very closed about who would come to the funeral. Long story short, I did not go. I did not fly to a new province and go to that funeral, but I did receive kind of the um, like the cards and the what do you call it? Like the memorabilia from the funeral, like whatever that material is called, you know, like the obit or the celebration of life. Those types of things were gifted to me and on it my grandpa was declaring all the things that he was very proud of in his life and one of these things was a Mason. I was like, oh, that's curious. And on his obituary the photo he used was him in this giant red hat that had these very Middle Eastern looking symbols on it. He had this long necklace with the Illuminati eye on it. You know what I mean. And I was reminded, oh right, he was a Shriner.
17:50
My childhood, my grandpa was very high up in the shrine, which is part of Freemasonry, and he was something called the potentate, which is kind of like the person in charge of the shrine. And I didn't really think much of this because this was my childhood, like it was just we went to things and they wore hats and we had titles and my grandma was lady this and my grandpa was illustrious sir that and you know and didn't really think anything of it. After my dad passed away I was quite estranged from that side of the family and don't really have an active relationship there, and my dad my dad was a four six profile and he went on the roof. He passed away on the roof and, around 40 years old, we have that Uranus opposition. You know Uranus has completed half of its orbit. You know, we know we have that about that 80 year cycle and we get to our forties. It's gone halfway around. So you know, we have this big moment.
18:54
Uh, when we're around that 40 year mark and I have, I'm of the mind of six line profiles need to be looking back at their life, reevaluating things they went through in their first life phase, really dealing with it and looking at what they find there. Otherwise, I do feel like it can catch up to them and they may develop some type of illness or pass away. I see that quite a bit with six lines, but specifically the four six profile. But know that I'm biased and I'm looking at it because I had a four six parent and I started tracking that when I realized that had kind of happened there with him and as I was doing some digging it seemed like my dad was also involved in this scholarly Freemasonry thing. Now I can't go ask him to verify both these men have passed away. I only remember my dad up until 11. So with a child's mind, I was never able to intellectually, scholarly, have an opinion or have a ask him a question that you know we could, we could get into as two kind of adult minds. And so I feel some grief there, realizing I don't really understand my dad, but of the trinkets and amulets that I have inherited from him, they started to look curious.
20:12
Some of these items were very symbolic in Freemasonry and I think I was triggered by this. Okay, because I was like I don't know what Freemasonry is. It sounds like a cult. These people sound nuts. It's going to be crooked. I don't like that side of the family. What did they get into? Like I was just spiraling. My friends were being so loving and just like letting me go through that process, which you know, transferring to fear and needing to investigate, get to the bottom of it. I don't understand but, as a need motivation person, what's actually necessary here? So what was necessary for me is I went on a Freemasonry deep dive. I was buying texts, I was referencing old documents, I was referencing gravestones for perspective.
20:56
I have an investigative journalism background. That is my some of my most original training as an adult. At 18, I went into a college program and that was one of the majors that I had specialized in, and so I guess I'm sharing that, because I know how to investigate and if I want to find something want ego being, you know I will find it, and I often say I can find anything on the internet. I know where to look, I know how to read code, I know how to manipulate code. You know, as one of those millennial kids who had a live journal and a MySpace and we had to teach ourselves HTML and shit, you know what I mean, oh my gosh. Anyway, while I was doing this big digging, investigating the information I was finding about my grandpa, was shifting the way I understood my past and I was forced to kind of contend with things that I didn't really understand. You know, when you're a kid, things everything seems normal to you, and then you grow up and you realize that's maybe not normal.
21:58
Freemasonry is something that dates back to masons at the time of King Solomon, so there is a really ancient line, um, with Freemasonry. That is essentially a the oldest fraternity, and I was ready to hate this and think they're in a cult and oh my God, my, my family came from a cult. I got to reevaluate everything and you know, as I did more digging, I'm not sure that's actually what my opinion is. The more I studied it, the more I found their secret texts, the more I got books by. You know, in like the human design space, some of us are writing books. Now I started to find publications from people like that.
22:40
You know I could, because of my grandpa's lineage, I could access things with the shrine um that not everybody has access to, because I'm part of a family line that inherits that it's not a hereditary um, like Freemasonry is not a hereditary thing. However, when the, when Freemasons move through um, the craft that they are studying and practicing Um getting to something like the shrine, is not available to everyone. So being a Shriner was significant and it was something that was very um important to my grandpa. As a kid I remember we went to like the shrine circus and we would dress in red and I would ride an elephant or something. You know the like. It's like a. My grandpa because he was head up, he was high up, his family would like paraded around the space and that that's we didn't participate in. That after was once my dad got sick, but that was very much like a part of my childhood going to these shrine things, people being very dolled up, wearing strange things, but again I didn't know what was going on. And now when you go back and look as an adult, it's like what the hell is going on there.
23:56
I really think, at the end of the day in my investigating, these are really just scholarly people who are entrepreneurs coming back from the time when there were masons and they were building some of these most sacred temples. If you look at some of the holy sites in our past, some of the carving and the structure that was built into these spaces is absolutely immaculate and have withstood the test of time. This is really the foundation of what masons, freemasons their practice is really anchored around. This is what the craft is, but things are really kind of there's been a symbolism side that has evolved from that and they find meaning in this way of life. They are basically symbol readers. There are all these really significant symbols in these people and they are just trying to improve upon their communities.
24:45
Make good men better, right? I should say this is for men, only Freemasonry, and part of this is for a fraternity. It's only for men. The females associated are able to be kind of scapegoated and siphoned off into these other side clubs. I shouldn't say that, sorry, that's my own opinion, coming in there just because of some of the things that I saw happen to some of the females in my life.
25:09
And I'm bringing this up in this way because something that was really loud in my childhood was that there were no grandsons, and my sister was the oldest born on that side, I was the second, and then there were six more granddaughters born and my grandpa was an only child. He came from Austria. We have a long Austrian line and I just recently found a Czech line as well Czech Republic, czechsia, I think it's called now. That's where my ancestors come from on that side. But I'm only able to really go back to the early 1800s, late 1700s to track them. And when they came to Canada, where I reside now, there was some. There was boys born and my grandpa was an only child and he had two boys and a daughter and those three kids only had granddaughters and so our name had ended because we were a small family that had come to Canada and in Freemasonry, where my grandpa was specifically affiliated, having a boy come in and then a boy's boy.
26:16
Like having that lineage of men coming in is really auspicious and a really good kind of sign and omen for my grandpa and I remember growing up there was a lot of disappointment when a new grandchild was born and it was a girl. And I remember growing up there was a lot of disappointment when a new grandchild was born and it was a girl, and so every time one of us were was born, there was huge like grief in a way. Like oh, like they just wanted a boy. And I was like this is this is so weird. My parents were really anti this. Like I remember my dad saying to someone one time um, we just wanted our kids to be healthy, we didn't care what their gender was. I remember my dad saying to someone one time um, we just wanted our kids to be healthy, we didn't care what their gender was. And I remember going like thanks, dad, he didn't care if I was a girl or boy, and he gave me this look that just haunted me. You know what I mean. Like I didn't understand it at the time but he was not happy with me for saying that, but now, as an adult, I do understand what he meant and also he came from this family that was really putting this intense emphasis on boys and it sort of became a joke at the end. You know that there's no boys, there's no boys.
27:16
And the final grandchild to be born was a cousin of mine and she was born shortly before my dad died. So my dad was in the hospital and as soon as Jennifer was born, um, he asked my mom like, was it a girl or a boy? And her mom said it was a girl, and my she said my dad just laughed and he loved that, like it left me with the impression like he wanted to maybe stick it to his dad. Well, once I got my grandpa's obit, I realized I had an incorrect birth time birth data I actually had. I was a day off of his birthday. The birth time was right but I was a day off. And when I made the adjustment, lo and behold, my generator grandpa actually became an emotional manifester.
28:00
Now I've really villainized this character in my life and you know, instead of blaming my parents, what I fell into doing was blaming the grandparents, which I don't think is right. Um, but that's what I was doing, like you did this to my parent, you know, very ego driven, and I had to, kind of, I still am going on the journey of. You know, they're humans too. They had stories they had to do too. You know, and I just noticed wow, I'm villainizing that manifestor grandparent, I know better.
28:35
And also, what would it have been like for my dad to be raised by this really competitive Mason who is very high up um, by the way, in in free Masonry you what? In order to like be a Mason and start that initiation, there's an initiation ritual that happens. You really have to declare that you believe in a higher power. You could be any race. You have to be a man, um, you can believe in any um religion, but you must declare you believe in a higher power.
29:01
And this does not really match how I remember my dad. You know, my dad was really into sci-fi. He read a lot. His office was full of books and texts and he I remember his mind being like a library. You know, you could ask him anything and he would take a minute and he would flip through the library of his mind. He'd be able to pull out an answer. He was really good at trivia. He has a totally open head. Well, a totally open head can have things shoved in there you know what I mean and they can become um stressed sick. My dad's cancer began on his head and so I find that to be very curious.
29:39
I have heard people recently thinking that illness and and diseases manifest from the defined centers. I do want to say that does not follow my pattern tracking and so I do not agree with that. I always look at the openness in the design when I'm understanding illness. But you know I'll be the first to tell you if I'm, if I discover I'm wrong. You know what I mean. I'm not trying to prove anything about being right, but really follow the questions on where um illness tracking leads us and we're looking at it through a nine centered being and through the openness and definition in a chart.
30:10
Back to my story here Um, realizing my dad may have been raised in a strict religious environment brought new clarity as to why he may be on the roof, was so anti um religious structures and things like that. But I can't even verify if he actually was trying to become a Freemason, if he was going into these initiation rituals and whatnot, but I can see that he has some memorabilia that seems to point to like he was now in order to be a Freemason, you have to have an incredible reputation. Right, you're trying to move up in the world, you're trying to help your fellow man, help your community. Uh, I know my dad was a volunteer firefighter. He worked in safety supply, um, delivering medical items to hospitals and whatnot, and he was often volunteering and like getting involved in things. You know what I mean. So I was like this seems to be tracking, like he was maybe doing the tasks. You know, the things that they want you to do.
31:10
When you are part of that fraternity and in Freemasonry, which is something that's very secretive, you cannot be declaring what goes on behind closed doors. You know, it's kind of like a secret society type of energy, which is where I got like the icky feelings about it, even though really these are just scholars who are entrepreneurs, who read symbolism, you know, and I got to tell you I saw myself in that. So that's why I had to really kind of look again. You know, I'm not somebody who would have been able to participate in those things because I'm in a female form. Um, but even you know that I think is such bullshit. Um, but I've kind of shared with you. I identify as non-binary. And where did I, where did that originate from within me?
31:54
And so these memories of the emphasis of masculine environments needing a boy to be born in the family, whoa, that likely really affected me in a way I'm not really fully aware of. You know what I mean. And I had this moment of when my dad died there was such crying in the house and the house was falling apart. Nothing was getting done. And I remember having this moment in front of my, the bay window in my living room, of being like I have to be the man of the house. Nothing's getting done here. I don't, I won't stand for this and I'll, I will handle it is getting done here. I don't, I won't stand for this and I'll, I will handle it.
32:29
And I kind of went into that energy and I don't really know that I ever left and I was always a pretty masculine kid. I was really wanted to be a boy, wanted to dress like a boy, wanted to look like my dad, not like my mom, but that was really not accepted. I don't feel that way now, by the way, like now that I'm in an adult body, I'm much peace with my female form as I get to know it. But looking back, I see I did not want to be in this form and I wonder where I got that, you know. I wonder where I got that I was raised in an environment where they were looking for boys, you know. And so I just think, wow, that probably had a very deep effect on me in a way that I don't fully, fully, fully realize.
33:10
When I was researching my family line, my dad realizing wow, my dad is likely involved in this what happened that made him sick? And my dad had a DUI, he was drinking driving and this is not cool, and this is especially not cool if you are in this elitist club. And my mom said he had a lot of shame from that and he put on weight immediately after. My dad was a heavier person. For most of my life I remember him as like six foot five heavy guy. He was a big dude and, um, I had.
33:49
I now wonder if he was removed from his network. And was this maybe his network in a way? I didn't really know and my mom has had shared with me. You know, your dad, your, your grandpa, asked your dad to go into some kind of business with him and your dad didn't want to and your grandpa really pushed it and your dad started to really separate himself from it and he went to some of these events with your grandpa and he was really upset by what he saw there and so I was like what did mom? What could he possibly have seen there? And she was like I think there was a lot of women and women were brought out and treated a certain way and your dad didn't really like that and had realized his dad was doing that his whole life to his mom and he had feelings about that and he just did not want to get involved. I don't know if that's actually true. I don't know if my dad was cast out of this space or he chose to left, to leave. Excuse me, I want to believe he chose to leave. You know, as I'm trying to romanticize the past of my you know family member that you want to put on a pedestal, but I really don't know.
34:51
And instead of demonizing this Freemasonry um lineage, really this long line of fucking Freemasons I didn't even know I was involved with I instead of demonizing that, like I tend to do, make a villain out of something or blame someone I, I'm not there anymore and I don't want to do that. So that's when I just went into research by these texts, understand this craft, and I have to fucking tell you I agree with a lot of the things that I was reading in there. So that was alarming because I'm ready to say this is a culty secret society, but it's the same type of things you hear about the human design space and there's just kind of a lack of understanding. Um, there's certain languages, right, the people don't understand, so they think it's very culty. And I'm not really somebody who I don't really care about that story.
35:39
I need to tell you that, like a lot of people are are affected by um culty backgrounds where they had these traumas that are associated with them, where they have these strong opinions of it, or they see these themes in some of their spiritual studies, like astrology, like human design, like these types of things. I'm I don't care about that. I hear that that's there. I know that that's going on. That's not something that I necessarily focus on because I don't feel a personal deep connection and trauma to it. Um, though, I have had a lot of people around me who have, and so I'm aware of it, but personally it's not something I super, super focus on. I'm over here in illness. You know what I mean.
36:14
My, my traumas were different. It's kind of like you know, in these places are like donate money, donate money to diabetes, donate money to cancer, donate money to the children's foundation, donate money to the Pet Foundation. It's like, okay, I got to pick my things that I'm invested in, otherwise you're going to be bleeding me dry. I should be giving everything out to everywhere. I've got to pick what's important to me. So for me, a lot of that is children's cancer because of what my experiences are, or cancer-related or children's types of things. That's usually where my money is going, you know when they're asking me. Or pets cause I can't say no Every time I go buy my dog food, but not to get too, not to get too sidetracked from there.
36:52
Having to reevaluate my history and my line, it was upsetting. It's it's been an, it's been deep and it's it's made the past look different. Characters who are villains, maybe weren't villains. Characters who were innocent, maybe weren't so innocent. And learning all I can about this ancient study that dates back to this time and how it evolved into a study around symbolism, I felt like holy shit, that's me. And when I kind of approached my mom about this to get more information and, you know, help connect the dots. She was like thank God you were born as female Cause you would have been swept up right in that. You're a speaker like them, you're scholarly like them, you're you read symbols like them. You do everything like they do, like he did, like they are. Your female form just kind of protects you. Wow, never, never, heard about my female form. Spoke that spoken of that way. You know it's quite a vulnerable form. So I've been taught and so I've learned through my experience.
37:54
As I was researching my family line and going down this this well, my, my, my masculine line, I guess I want to say my, my paternal line Um, I discovered a bunch of great gravestones in a particular part of the prairies where I know my family comes from, and all these gravestones looked like they were splattered in blood. It was extremely alarming and I was like Whoa, that's an of spores. Lichen is actually let me do a quick little, a quick little dictionary definition here, because I don't want to be wrong on describing what it is A plant-like organism that typically forms a low, crusty, leaf-like or branching growth on rocks, walls and trees, and typically of this era, a lot of the gravestones were built with marble and sandstone and so they have this lichen on them. Now, only in my family line, on a few of these graves of this family, is this lichen, this orange lichen that's all over it, but the way it's grown it looks like a blood splatter and that's off three primary ancestors. It's grown it looks like it looks like a blood splatter and that's off three primary ancestors. So, as a symbol, a symbolism reader, somebody now learning of this deep scholarly Freemason background in the male lineage, I wanted to know what the meaning of lichen was. You know, um and it's. It looked weird. But what is actually happening on this stone? So, spiritually, this lichen grows and it will feed like all kinds of creatures, you know, and it thrives in really harsh environments such as rocky or barren landscapes where everybody else might struggle to survive. Lichen will grow, it will be resilient, it will be adaptable. So the omen, the meaning, wasn't inherently negative.
39:53
When I was looking at these graves and something even more peculiar, one of these ancestors died at age 21 and his mom died two weeks later and I thought that's weird. I wonder what happened there and I don't think I could actually dig and find that out and these were some of the like quote unquote lichen blood splatter graves. Not other graves in the graveyard had the same lichen pattern, you know. So I just thought that was curious. I went and looked at my dad's grave None of the lichen was on there. I went and looked at his dad's grave None of the lichen was on there. But then I went one generation back and there was, and then another generation back and there was, and the final generation back that I could go and there was lichen again. What the hell is that about? These people all also died at very curious times December and January, december and January, december and January and a lot of them died around 40. That seems like a strange pattern to be in the family line.
40:52
And when you are in sort of shamanic studies, uh, as I'm in, cross cultural, non-denominational shamanism really looks at the entire globe as an entity and finds the common spiritual patterns and rituals around death based on earth's primary cultures. So, for example, the Oriental culture, tai Chi, um, the I Ching, feng Shui those are pretty loud in my experience because those are some of the most ancient that we have documented on our planet, even human design references, the I Ching, for example, and a lot of their rituals around spirituality and death you will find leaked out into other cultures. But the Americas have their own as well. Um, some of the first shamans are from Siberia and Shamanka is the Russian word for a female shaman. You know, it's not the original word, but very northern, very northern type of tribe and of course African tribes have huge lore in their teachings as well. So in non-denominational, cross-cultural type of shamanism you're looking for all the patterns that are within these cultures, because the idea is shamanism was one of the first um from an ancient ancestor that gave us teachings around illness.
42:17
The shamanic story in that is um, um, a bird. The Eagle flew to God and wanted to help the humans on earth because they were all getting sick. So God sent the Eagle to go teach them about medicine and death. And when the Eagle came, the humans could not understand the Eagle and they wrote them off. So the Eagle flew back to God and said these people are not understanding me. I need to be able to communicate and have shared language with the creatures on earth. So God sent him back and said the first person that you encounter you'll be able to give all your information to that person and educate them and they will take it on. So when the Eagle came back to earth he found a woman sleeping under a tree and he had intercourse with her and she became the first shaman. You know now that I'm an adult and I hear that story. You know, was she raped? Was she voluntarily doing that? You know, because of how the female form is classically been treated, I don't know. That's just the story. Classic story just says intercourse, but the idea is that person would have then gone and multiple tribes all over the world, it would have just spread.
43:20
And there is a common way of communicating with non-ordinary reality. Now in shamanism we have the upper world and the lower world and we have the middle world. But the upper world and lower world have a world between them which is the middle world and that is just um. The two upper and lower worlds mirror each other. So you're just seeing a third dimensional mirror. So sometimes there's upper world and lower world, things that kind of come into form there and classic shamanic stories. You know, you'll travel in a tree and travel to the lower world and meet some type of animals and creatures that might dwell there Lower isn't negative or evil, it's just more simplistic. And you would go to the upper world, let's say and this is where formless spirit beings are, are angels, aliens, entities, fairies, spirit guides, that type of thing? And you know, you can have friendly spirits or unfriendly spirits, friendly creatures or unfriendly creatures. Nothing is inherently good or bad, it's just the environment and the expression of what's going on, this big cocktail of things happening at once. But the middle world is a hologram. You know, it's not a real, actual world, which I think is pretty, I think is very interesting.
44:34
While this was all going on behind the scenes, all of a sudden something started happening with my business. I have been Vanessa Henry Corporation officially, legally, I should say since 2015. And actually at that time my husband was in business. He had a construction drilling, piling company and he closed that down in about 2018. And by 2019, you know, things were happening with my work and I didn't want to spend the thousands of dollars to incorporate. So he closed his company down. I inherited his business number and I inherited all his debt and losses as well in his company, and so it was kind of like a strategic financial move. I was going to be able to make some money before having to pay taxes on it and then fast forward into the future.
45:20
It created a very messy business. You know what was the original incorporating location you did this at. I don't know who was the original lawyer. I don't know when are your company files originally stored, I don't know. And so it was kind of creating these problems for me as legislation changed and I moved into a new province and I had to kind of get legally up to date to operate in the new province I'm in. But my company started and I had a different name. I got married and I legally changed my name. Let me tell you that's a pain in the ass If you're a professional. If you're a professional and you have to change your name. It's not just like your personal documents, but it's your professional ones as well.
46:00
It was becoming such a headache for me and I just emailed my accountant and said at what point is it going to be easier for me to close that corp down and reincorporate as Vanessa Henry Company? And it looks like that's the move. It looks like that's going to be the move of what I'm doing. That's what's happening with me over the winter season. That's going to cost me a little bit of money. It feels like throwing money away just to get things clean and organized in the back, but everyone around me is assuring me that's kind of the move to do.
46:27
And Vanessa Henry Corporation is a name that my accountant chose and I never liked the sound of it. Like high sound person I was like I don't like the sound of that. So when I had the opportunity to become Vanessa Henry Company in a vain, egotistical way, I like the sound of it better and that's why I'm willing to spend thousands of dollars just to like do a final closing of the corp, roll it into a new corp, legally update it to being the name of Vanessa Henry, not my original name, updating the province that it's originated in. You know what I mean. Like all those things that are like 10 years old that I don't actually know about because it was actually another company is starting to hurt me when I'm trying to go do a new thing or set myself up in a new province. It's like I can't verify that I'm actually a real company, and so the threat was my payment processors are like we're going to shut off your income. Then you know cause you have to legally prove you're this entity. Okay, whatever, take my money, sure, fine. So it was like this deep restructuring of how I operate as a business, how I understand myself in my family line, how I understand my illness that happened to me and also the long-term effects that I now live with, when I realized you're at the 20 year mark.
47:47
You come from a long line of scholars. Whether you resonate with all their ideologies or not, this is in you. You can be this character. You have been crawling and itching in your skin before and, as a way to heal yourself, how can you get more comfortable in your skin? What can you do to do that? So I decided to be bold and like put on a character, put on a bright red suit, play a shamanic character, have a red hat that's what my family of Shriners used to wear red felt hats they were called Fez hats from Morocco, and I was like that's weird. But okay, we're going to do it. I have a red felt hat. I'm going to feel that connection to that line. I'm going to put on my red felt jacket. I'm going to have a new podcast come out about shamanic healing and my specific opinions on it, using human design variable as an integration and healing system.
48:39
I'm going to be bolder and louder about what I see in the world and I don't care so much, if you agree with me, because I'm simply referencing the experiences that happened to me in the past and you can't contest my experience. You can't call me a liar or say I'm wrong, because those things actually really happened to me. Obviously, I've been traumatized by them. Obviously, I've grown into a person who now reads those signs and symptoms of looking at the body through traditional medicine, alternative medicine, complimentary medicine, because I want to have a well-rounded perspective of what is going on in the body, so I don't ever get sick again, so I can protect my family and recognize when I'm contributing to things that might be making them unwell or they might be contributing to things that are making me unwell. How can I become more aware of what's going on with me and what's going on in the world around me and how can I get creative when sharing that with others and make a living through that?
49:36
So in 2024, I started doing pro bono work. I really I started to work with a lot of sick people and I shared on this show that somebody passed away before I had a chance to work with them and I was really hit by that. I really hated that. I had a chance to work with them and I was really hit by that. I really hated that. I had a hard time processing that because I felt like I did something wrong, even though, like intellectually, I knew I didn't. There was like a grief of timing, too late, and so after that, I started to work with people, hand selected, that I picked as the manifester, who I felt something and I wanted to work with them and not have any monetary exchange. I felt weird about like charging people who were sick. I don't know, I just started to. It wasn't. It's not the move for me, um, and I needed to be able to trust my ability to use my interests, my skills, my talents, my training to make a creative living as an entrepreneur these long lines of entrepreneurs in my family You're groomed to be that you do not have to charge the individual person who is sick. You can share your information in creative ways. There's so much available to us when we work in a digital, formless reality as well, and I trust in my ability to make a living while still being able to do this deep work with people who I'm not having that type of monetary exchange, because I don't know how long it's going to be that I need to work with you. I don't know what we're going to discover.
50:57
So in my next episode, I've asked Bumblebee to come on the show. Bumblebee is somebody I'm working with privately. She was all about being transparent and letting us know her name and who she is, but I asked her to remain as bumblebee. That's what I call her. That's how she presented to me. The bumblebee has a powerful teaching and powerful omen, and this character that I'm working alongside supporting, trying to understand, helps me with my own studies. Um, she is somebody whose body is starving and she's not able to put on weight. Um, and I wanted to understand what was going on with her, because I had suspicions about what her variable was and, as we established this relationship, it was challenging for me to recognize. Okay, I can't push so hard. She's only ready to do what she's ready to do, even though I feel I can see the path we need to take to remedy what's going on with her. I need time, I need time, I need time, I need time.
51:52
So I asked Bumblebee to come on and kick off a new year with an episode on building a body, because her body is completely transforming and breaking down. And what does that mean? And I'm really excited for you to hear that and hear our dynamic and hear about that story and how it came to be. And I hope that Bumblebee comes back throughout the year so that we can hear of her growth, her development, what's changing with her. There are other people I support behind the scenes, but I can only really do a couple at a time and then, when I naturally feel complete, I kind of let them know that there's some type of result we've hit or something that I, like you know, or something that's happened where I feel we've reached kind of a completion. Um, and it's shamanism. So I I don't, you know, like I don't know, like I don't know how how these things work. I'm just going with what kind of feels true to me and so she's going to come on and you'll be able to hear from her and you know, kind of what some of our work is together and what her story is and what's going on with her. And again, I hope she comes back in the future so that we can hear a little bit more about how things progress. I would like to hear from her seasonally, hear from the bee seasonally, but again, we'll kind of see how that goes.
52:59
With this deep business, restructure, identity, restructure, history, restructure and this new emboldened, confident, self-assured feeling that was coming out of that it's really affected the way I organize my work in the wellness club, the type of things I want to do in there, that kind of show um ways to take care of ourselves in these kinds of expanded ways, how to understand our bodies in this elevated, expanded way. What do our signs mean? What do our symptoms mean? How can we recognize these things going on in our kids, uh, in the people we care about? Just kind of refining, you know, as a six line, going through the motions and trying again and not needing it to be perfect the first time and then coming back around and making the adjustments as you see them. Yeah, it feels like I'm. I'm feeling very excited for this year and what's coming.
53:53
And when it comes to doing the deep work, I like to do demon hunts, I like to go in, you know, as I have these deep things going on in my line, in my business, in my health, I do go in and do a journey, I do the demon hunt, I transform into that character and I will hunt down whatever things kind of happened to me there. It's my favorite season to be doing shamanic journeying and to be doing inner expeditions. Um, I like to do towers kind of all the time, but I like the demon hunt specifically because of how much I cry and how much it makes me feel lighter after the fact that I've got these kind of deep, heavy things out. So while we're in the deep season, this is when we do the demon hunt I highly recommend going in, plugging in and doing that where you transform into this kind of sacred demon hunter and then you go out and you have your experience. Um, a lot of people in the wellness club have been generating characters AI generated characters that they look like as their shamanic demon hunter, and they've been sending them to me and it's so cool to see what people see. So if you are somebody who has done that or you feel inspired to go, generate a look that you look at, look like as that character, I would love if you sent it to me. I would love to see it. So please send that to me so I can see how your inner world looks and how you look on the playing field of life inside.
55:11
Something else that really worked for me over the 2024 year was I started to experiment with giving people in my wellness club quizzes, and those quizzes revealed such incredible data about the people who were in there and it helped me then design certain experiments that we will then be doing later in the season. And so I me then design certain experiments that we will then be doing later in the season, and so I'm now toying with the structure of opening up each new season with a playful, approachable quiz that reveals some kind of information about you and then leads into some deeper type of experiments in the months that follow, while kind of plugging in to do frequency healing where necessary, doing the demon hunt, exploring the night gardens, collecting your amulets of power, all these kinds of special expeditions that we go season to season. The reason I do that is because we need time for things to unfold, like we need time for um just a process. You know you can't just do boom, boom, boom, boom and it's done.
56:10
I like to move slow and intentionally through the seasons. That's why I release um certain inner expeditions at that time and have everything else that's kind of around that, what we're doing kind of anchored around that. So it's the deep season, it's the time to do the deep work. Um, we're doing a mystical creature quiz. We're doing the demon hunt, we have a challenge coming up in February. Um, you know, like lots of things that are kind of coming up to anchor us down into what we're doing here when we're doing the deep work.
56:39
Because what does that look like? What does it look like to actually do the deep work? What is actually going on with you? What are you looking at in your line? What are you looking at in your health story? What are you looking at in your past, your business, your entrepreneurship, and how can you relax this season and set yourself up for a season of cleansing after an activating season after that and a nourishing season after that, before you start relaxing and doing the deep work again? Can we slow things down enough to move and operate on that cycle? I think we can, and that's what I like to try and do.
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