No. 19 - Post-Trauma Navigation with Alex Cantone
How do you take care of yourself after you've created something and birthed it into the world?
My friend Alex is back for more insight after giving birth to her second child; a 6/2 Ego Manifestor just like me! This is not a common design, so I was QUITE excited to have the opportunity to intimately watch another me out there. And RAISED by a Projector? Wow. What could happen!
Alex and I discuss how it feels to be a Role-Model when it’s your kids watching, and my friend spotlights the importance of understanding your body’s energy levels during pregnancy, labor, and as a new and an ongoing caregiver to other humans. Between the trauma of childbirth, flipping houses, and guiding future plans as a Projector, Alex sheds insight on how not to lose your self when others are involved, and how to find your way by respecting your body’s way of navigating the path.
Witness Alex through her Colour Palette with me:
ALEX CANTONE
Design Type: 6/2 SELF-PROJECTED PROJECTOR
Colour Palette: Thirst / Shores / Power / Hope
Here's a Highlight of her InSights:
giving birth to a Manifestor and the contrast after a Generator birth
the need for emotional support when adjusting to new routines
essential post-care processes after traumatic experiences
each of our biggest accountability lessons so far
how to observe newborn health
how to observe newborn decision-making approaches
learning and being aware of personal limits (and respecting those limits)
a deeper surrender to honouring yourself when kids are watching
Find Alex at:
It's Vaness Henry, you're listening to InSights, my private podcast exclusively for community members like you. Here's my latest insight. Big Al is back on the show, not with one child, but two children now and Alex, I thought we were going to be having this conversation more in the future because I was like I got to give her her space. I got to give her her space and just before we hopped on here and started recording, you shared with me everybody's giving me my fucking space, but I literally just need some people to check in on me sometimes. And we were Voxering one day and you're like, and I got to talk about this and I was like, hey, I'm ready Anytime. You want to come over here and have a little chit chat, please do. But before we dive into that, first of all, welcome to the show, welcome back,
Alex Cantone:
0:56
thanks.
Vaness Henry:
0:58
I have been using your teachings and your guidance and you don't know this because you're not plugged in in that same way right now, and I just want to reflect it back to you.
Vaness Henry:
1:08
I I had a challenging moment over the summer where a sick and dying manifestor had reached out to me wanting my eyes on her for certain things going on with her, and I didn't get back in time and she passed away and this really gutted me in a way that I was quite surprised, like I was very impacted by her and had to really hard unplug over the summer just to be kind of like reevaluating. There was this woman who's a self-projected projector let's call her Bumblebee. I was watching Bumblebee for years and was watching her climb on the roof and it was like I was seeing her erode and I felt like I could see her illness. And how do you explain that? I don't know how to explain that two line moment. I felt like I could see her depths, I could see what was happening to her, but I couldn't really get over myself. I didn't want to reach out and be like, I didn't want to sound like a fucking crazy person on the internet. You know like I just I couldn't get over myself and so I kind of confided in jazz. Confided in jazz. You know there's this person I've been watching for a long time. I very triggered by her, I, she, she makes me want to reach out, but I, I, I just I'm really at a war with myself. And jazz was great, she was like well, I hope you do, like, I hope you follow, whatever it is that's there. You know, just trust yourself. You're an initiator.
Vaness Henry:
2:42
And then there was this moment. It was a new moon and all of a sudden I had this like like overwhelming fear go through me that you need to reach out now. You need to reach out now and I was emotional about it. I went for a walk and I started praying. I'm not a religious person, I'm not praying to a God. I was praying to Bumblebee like hold on, just hold on, and I decided to reach out. Well, by some grace, bumblebee was familiar with my work, so wasn't offended or like jarred by me reaching out and was in an extremely dire situation and had said like thank God, you reached out, and I just felt like holy fuck. Had said like thank God, you reached out and I just felt like holy fuck, I got to just like trust, whatever this feeling is, even if it doesn't make sense, just trust.
Vaness Henry:
3:30
Your weird path and part of Bumblebee's depths are very similar to yours Thirst person, their kitchens. But there's double visions. There's an outer vision component and inner vision component. And through getting bumblebee story, her body was eating itself. It was just she couldn't find the mixture that she was swelling, the hydration it was. Everything was so confused, the cells were so confused and I know I reached out to.
Vaness Henry:
4:02
I started working with someone self-projected and something I find I'm constantly telling her, because I've seen it in you, is she's not talking, she's not self-projecting, she's not getting whatever it is off her chest. This is a very aware person doing the work, has all the knowledge but is not self and I remember seeing you go through phases where you would pull away in your hermit nature but then it's like you'd stop talking or stop confessing or stop Like. For me, as the ego being, it's like I'm. I have to unburden my heart, like confess something, get it off. And I just find the G center authority is so similar in that it needs to like get something off the chest area, and so I didn't feel you were very available. I'm, you know. I'll reevaluate that now. For me to come and be like God, I need all this self-rejected wisdom. So I would just go back and look through your teachings and I wanted to come share this with you because I know that you are on the roof, you're going into different worlds, but I will always be here reaffirming in you.
Vaness Henry:
5:12
Your past work is extremely valuable. We do need examples of self-projected people speaking their truth. What is going on with you right now? That's the story, that's the essay. Are you brave enough to share with us what's going on with you? Because, for whatever reason, when this character stops talking, stops self-projecting, they lose their way. And they're not someone who's lost. They know where to be, and I've been so impacted by your past teachings that you're not even actively bringing forth to me anymore. You know they're still there. So you have so much influence, even though it's your previous life, even though it's your previous life. Anyway, that's been a little ranty, wow, in my life right now. Um, I'm referencing all your teaching in the best way that I can on how to show up and support a self-projected projector, a six, two self-projected projectors on the roof Fucking crazy. Anyway, that's been my summer. That's been my summer. On that note, would you tell me about your summer and what you've been experiencing or your past season, I guess, because now we're going into fall. The biggest one is you gave birth.
Alex Cantone:
6:32
I gave birth and I feel like one thing I do want to say, just to like piggyback off of what you shared with me which thank you for reminding me of my influence and my impact is I think that an area kind of where we go wrong in human design when we're telling self projectors how to be self projectors, in the quote unquote correct way, is it's like oh, you need to talk through your decisions, you need to go and self project, right, and on the rest of the time you're just like living, living, living, living. And then the only time I think how it gets communicated is like it's only about when you make decisions, right, it's only about when you need to like reckon with something. But what I've noticed in my life is like what you said is it's just constantly being in communication with your people, with your environment with yourself.
Alex Cantone:
7:30
It's like you have to keep the wheel turning in order for things to not get built up right, Like you just have to keep turning and turning, and turning, and moving, and moving. And it might not be linear where you're always kind of moving, and it might not be linear where you're always kind of moving and communicating in one direction, but it's like tending to all of the different areas of your life in a way where you're looking at your life and you're asking yourself is this a reflection of who I am right now? Is this an expression of who I am right now? So when I look around, even at my house, and I'm like I said to Chris, I was like, oh, like at my house, and I'm like, like I said to Chris, I was like, oh, like it's just, you know we don't own this house, so that's okay. But like I was like there's just limitations for what we can do.
Alex Cantone:
8:13
And now that I've gotten really into and you flip houses, so like yeah, and I'm like seeing what we can do and how we can transform a home, I'm like I've got to get my hands on our own house because I can feel that like I'm stepping into this new level of needing my home to be a representation of who I am and my own identity, and that's something that's really important to me, and like continuing to communicate that to the safe people in our life, especially if we have a partner and like that person we're doing life with, that's like the most important person to know you and to respect you and to understand you and to create that safe space for you. So yeah, I just wanted to add to that. It's like it's the convenient constant communication. It's not just being a self-projected projector in this container where it's like I'm going to go self-project now. It's like it has to be moving constantly, constantly, constantly.
Vaness Henry:
9:12
Do you find that you sometimes fall out of that Like how, how regular is it for the self-projected Like? My equivalent would be like I've stopped informing, I've stopped speaking from my heart. I don't feel like I fall out of that all the time, cause I'm always kind of narrating and you know what I mean, but is does it? Is that something that you fall out of? And if so, like what is that like?
Alex Cantone:
9:34
I think it's more like oh, I haven't been telling the truth about this thing, I haven't been honest with myself, I haven't been honest with others when something is bothering me or if something doesn't feel right, but I'm kind of still allowing it to happen. It's like I find myself making that first point of contact and it just happened. I mean, it happens all the time with parenting and it just happened with sleep, because I did sleep one way with Hartley. That worked until it didn't. And then Sienna's born and she just has different needs. She's a different energy type, she feels different, she's a six to ego manifester.
Vaness Henry:
10:16
We love that over here in the open noggin.
Vaness Henry:
10:19
I'm like oh, another little mini me. I love that. So I'm, I'm. I was like this is a totally different baby, like what is totally different. Something that I do want clarity on, though when you get in these spells of not perhaps being honest with yourself or needing to, my equivalent is to confess it, get it off your chest. How important is the witness for you? Or can you just like say it to yourself, like how important is it that there's someone there on the other side holding, affirming, validating whatever it is, whatever truth has come out?
Alex Cantone:
10:50
Well, I think the first step is like acknowledging it to myself, right? Because? If I don't acknowledge myself and hear myself say it. It's like I have to be the first point of contact. But that often is happening in conversation, because I'm just talking and then you've heard yourself say it.
Vaness Henry:
11:10
You're like, fuck, like. So that's what I mean. Like for me, and it sounds like for you as well the witness does really play a vital, crucial role, you know, because if that person isn't, I'm not really standing in my room alone narrating. You know what I mean? Right, but I'll get in conversation with someone and then all of a sudden, this stuff spilling out of me and I hear it and it's kind of like shit and I noticed, depending on who I have stacked around me or who I'm in conversation with, different things will come out, because it's like they facilitate or make me feel safe enough to confess or get off whatever I need, to kind of get off my chest. Is that a similar experience for you?
Alex Cantone:
11:49
Totally Cause. You have that intuition of who you need to go to. Yeah, not necessarily based on how they're going to respond, but how you're going to speak to them, because you have that certain type of relationship with them. I just went to Taylor the other day. Yeah, yeah yeah, taylor, patridge Taylor.
Vaness Henry:
12:10
Patridge. Tayway as we know her who also gave birth. Yes, and you know Tayway from our spacious days. Do it making an app with her.
Alex Cantone:
12:19
She's the pure three, five pure generator, very open generator and recently became a parent three, five pure generator, very open generator, and recently became a parent and through our conversations she told me that Elliot, her son, he has a dairy intolerance or a dairy allergy or something. And Sienna was kind of like just having a hard time with her digestion and I'm like, hmm, this is strange. And so I went to Taylor and I was like I have this inkling that dairy might be bothering her. And it was like I didn't need Taylor to like tell me anything, it was just that I knew she had experienced that thing. So really what I was doing was going to her to just like affirm that I was going to take this next step and even just through talking to her, I'm like, okay, I already know what.
Alex Cantone:
13:03
I was doing was going to her to just like affirm that I was going to take this next step and even just through talking to her, I'm like, okay, I already know what I need to do. But that's what tends to happen is I just trust who I'm going to go to, and then I hear myself saying it out loud, like to one person. And then I say it to Chris and I'm kind of like seeing how it feels as I say it, like how does it roll off the tongue? Does it feel like I'm being influenced by someone else to do this thing, or is this thing like coming from me? So then I kind of start to kind of inform everyone. I'm going to do this, I think I'm, I'm thinking about this, I'm thinking about that. And then it's like 24 hours later and I've made the decision right and now I'm implementing the change. So I do find that it needs to be in conversation through my people, like the court that I have surrounded myself with, not to plug in court of thorns and roses that I'm now reading.
Alex Cantone:
13:56
I'm like where'd that language come from A court? Oh, okay, I'm reading Everyone reading.
Vaness Henry:
14:00
Amy Lee got me on these and she's like are you reading Akatar? And I was like I was saying Akatar and it sounded so gross and the way you say Akatar I'm like sure I'll read. I'll read anything you tell me. Amy Lee, I'm so glad you got on those because it is a world building story so you do need to kind of get into that and I appreciate that can be difficult for some people. For sure it was so hard. There's all this language of like the mate in those books.
Vaness Henry:
14:27
Oh, that hit me so hard, that was slipping into my world. I'm like, if this is your mate? I'm like, what am I doing? This fucking book?
Alex Cantone:
14:33
No, my court, my court. I'm like oh my gosh, I was up late reading it last night when I shouldn't have been.
Vaness Henry:
14:40
I should have been sleeping so well, speaking of mates speaking of courts, speaking of that court of influence you have around you, I, I can be very influenced by my partner, like Derek's opinion, like if it's in conflict with me or whatever I'm trying to work through. Or you know, if he makes a point, let's say like a counterpoint or something, he has quite a bit of say power over me, like his opinion holds such a weight. So if I were to come to him and I was working through something, he he doesn't really dismiss me. You know, that's not really what I'm saying, but he's not always the person I can go to, even though he's like for the sixth line, that soulmate energy, that partnership energy. But there are definitely, like my shores council of people that I need to go to because they, it's like they get where I'm going or something, and I do notice like he's caves. So there's an inherent resonance that we don't share, even though we love each other, like you know what I mean. But I do need to go, like if I'm working through something and I need to like hash it out, or I don't know, it's like I got to go to those people because sometimes if I go to Derek it will almost interrupt the process because he has so much his opinion to me, his judgment, has so much weight in my life Right so. But he's also open throat in my life Right so. But he's also open throat and what I really do, what I am really grateful about in that relationship.
Vaness Henry:
16:08
Sometimes I do just need him to sit beside me, hold presence and let me talk, cry, work through something, and he's really just there. He's not even talking a lot, it's more like his hand is on my body and he's allowing me to get that out. But if there's like a parenting decision and you know we're going like that, I can't really move forward. If he's not on my side, like you know. If he's like that doesn't feel right, I'm like, oh OK, you know, and so then I've got to compromise or I've got to work through something. Does this ever happen with you and Chris? Like his opinion is so powerful? Yeah. Or is it ever, even in a disagreement? Yeah, I think.
Alex Cantone:
16:45
Chris, we we have a good balance where I just like let him make some decisions and let him take the lead on so much and like totally good point.
Alex Cantone:
16:53
It's just I want him to do that and then in other areas like but we, we talk about you could kind of see the pattern how I sort of like guide the leadership with what I'm saying to him. But if I just come, if I came to him for like the dairy example, if I was like I'm thinking that I need to, you know, stop eating dairy for a while to see how Sienna's digestion might change, like because you're breastfeeding and so she's getting the dairy through you.
Vaness Henry:
17:20
Absolutely Okay.
Alex Cantone:
17:21
He would just be like okay, you know he's just like responding, he's like okay, Like whatever. Why do you, why are you even telling?
Vaness Henry:
17:27
me. You know what I mean. You're pregnant, so you would know.
Alex Cantone:
17:29
Yeah, that would be great, yeah, but it's like then that wouldn't give me what I needed, cause it's totally well. So you're just saying, okay, like I need someone to like share examples and talk me through, thisate to me and tell me their story, and he's just like okay. So I feel like sometimes, even just going to the generator, it was just like, Even though Taylor's a generator, though right Like, but she also had like the experience.
Alex Cantone:
17:52
So I feel like she could respond with the story, whereas Chris is just going to be like respond with an affirmative response of like, sure, whatever, this is so interesting Cause they're literally both three five generators.
Vaness Henry:
18:04
They're both three five pure generators. That's a different definition, but like if you're really zooming out looking at those surface details and yet they gave you such different things.
Alex Cantone:
18:13
Yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, fascinating well, chris is like, well, okay, we'll like make adjustments and we'll just go to the store and get what we need to get, and like we'll figure it out as a family. And I was like you're wait, I need to talk through like the inconveniences of this.
Vaness Henry:
18:28
You took me to point 10 and I'm on point two. Yeah, let's just hold on. I need don't bypass my process I need to narrate everything I haven't decided yet. I haven't decided yet Okay, yeah, that will happen Like sometimes. Sometimes Derek will be very like, yeah, okay, and I'm like, but I, I actually want yeah.
Vaness Henry:
18:52
I have more to say. What I actually want is like go tit for tat for a little bit and like have a little bit of a dialogue, but he's like, I'm like I almost want you to like argue with me Like I need you to like push back a little bit.
Alex Cantone:
18:59
It's not that I need to feel myself, but no, you need to feel yourself affirmed in your own decision. So you almost need, like a little bit of pushback to be like well, why?
Vaness Henry:
19:10
question Like this is where, like the projector, brilliance comes in. It's like I need you to hit me back with, like the question that opens up my mind to take me in another direction, so I can keep talking out Like I didn't think of that. Okay, like I'm wanting to go flesh out all these angles. Yeah, and sometimes when I go to him and he's like okay or no, or whatever it's like, and he's like I'm low, sound Like I'm just going to give you the sure, and I'm like okay, well, what I actually want is someone to like I like to have actual conversation about this with someone. You're like I need a little friction, I need a little, I need someone to just like, like, just ask me a fucking like I'm. I'm being reluctant as I say this because manifestors don't love questions, but I need someone to hold my mind, you know, yeah, well, I.
Alex Cantone:
19:56
I think, like you, it's not that you don't like questions. You don't like being questioned in like a why are you doing this way? But I think you appreciate an open-ended like an opportunity to elaborate on what.
Vaness Henry:
20:10
Well, I my friends also really know how to talk to me. Like my friends, don't go, do you want to do this? But my friends will go. Like what if this happened? Like they kind of present it to the field instead of like throwing it at me, and so then I can reach out and grab it from whatever angle I want.
Vaness Henry:
20:28
You know, and actually something, something that was had started really kind of becoming a burden to me, was like people had started sick. People were coming to me and I started to feel really uncomfortable with charging people who were not in a good state. And for perspective, when I was in finance I specialized in something called critical illness and I worked with the Canadian Cancer Society as a spokesperson at that time to educate around the financial burden of illness, like how expensive it can be if you're sick, and you know what I mean. So I have this like kind of knowledge behind me. And then people are coming to me and you know they're trying to, they want to work with me and they've got to hoard all, get all their resources together and I'm like whoa, like I don't go broke trying to work with me. It's not aligned then to me. But I just started to get really uncomfortable, and so I have been doing a lot of private work and that's very rewarding and valuable for me, and also it was taking up time and space that I couldn't always I don't know I get very emotionally involved with who I work with. I can't help it, it's how I'm made. And so I was wanting to start doing like pro bono, like working, but I needed to be able to hand select, because I needed to enter into these contracts properly, which is what I was experimenting with with Bumblebee to be able to, like you know, initiate hope to God that they don't they aren't so disturbed by that. But it took me a really like there was an inner war inside, because I do feel like whatever your services are that you're offering, you should be compensated for that. Don't like you. I see so many open-hearted people who are like giving shit away and it's like what are you volunteering? You're at capacity, yeah.
Vaness Henry:
22:15
And then I find myself in this place where I'm like that feels like the right thing to do, but I was really wrestling, really wrestling, and so I kind of got to the point where I'm like you know, I really trusted my ability to creatively make a living. However, you know, like that's not where I have to be making my money. Do you know what I mean? I can still live a really great life.
Vaness Henry:
22:38
I can be creative in how I make money and as somebody who's like, called on a shamanic path, like it, it's an, it's now in conflict with my shamanic background, like, like, feel, indulge me for a second. In the shamanic world you can't call yourself a shaman. You can say you're a shamanic practitioner, but when people start coming to you and calling you a shaman, that's like your call. So when someone's like you're my shaman, it's kind of like, oh, that is the call. Now I am on that path. Shit, I can't keep really running from that. I have to kind of. And so you can never really offer your services. They have to come to you. And now I'm like how that doesn't feel right.
Vaness Henry:
23:26
So, with all this knowledge I have across all these worlds and studies, how do I contend with that in myself? So I thought, okay, like you've confessed, you want to try pro bono, you're feeling called there, you trust your creativity. And then I initiated, it was received and I had this crazy wash of healing. Like I had a crazy wash of healing and so to support this person that I started working with. I went and had the same kind of testing that they had done, cause I wanted to be able to say, like here's what's like. I understand what's going on with you. We're in it together, you're not alone. That's a huge part of what this person needs at this time.
Vaness Henry:
24:02
I think in this discovery I had a lot of similar symptoms that this person had, just a lesser severity my body's in starvation mode, I'm deeply malnourished, I don't have enough vitamin D and I live on the fucking beach. I was like what? So I was all of a sudden opened up all this healing that I was allowed to have in myself, that I wouldn't have even discovered had I not initiated here. So I feel like I'm really having to contend and confront that I, I, my inner narrative is I'm a sick person who's healing, rather than I'm a I'm in a healthy place now, like I'm in a healthy place, I'm now in the place, I'm in the place of optimizing, but for whatever reason, I have this inner war of like. Anyway, long, long winded story.
Vaness Henry:
24:47
It was very hard for me to figure out who to talk to while I was working through that. I didn't know, like, like who to go to and I said I ended up going to jazz. Jazz is so great because she will always affirm what my decision is and she's also really protective of me. So she has this good balance of like that person's saying shit about you, fuck them, but then I'll come to you and you'll be like you know peace is the way and like hope, motivation coming in. If you would actually. You know what, what's really available here.
Vaness Henry:
25:18
So like I need these things in my ear but I but yeah, but I do want to say to you I do sometimes feel like, don't bother her, she's got things going on right now. So I, I, and I hear that that might affect you not necessarily positive way. So I'm sorry that I'm doing that. It's coming from a place of like I want to be there for you and and the irony is I'm not being there, you know what I mean. I'm like removing myself, so I'll be better about the check-in. Thank you for indulging this long story that I told you. What I'm really wanting to kind of get into now, because you had shared with me, was the big difference between both your births. You gave birth to a generator and you gave birth to a manifestor, and these were extremely different birth experiences. So, if you'd indulge me, I would love to hear about the experience with Hartley and then also hear about the experience with Sienna, for contrast with Hartley and then also hear about the experience with Sienna.
Alex Cantone:
26:11
for contrast, the most fascinating thing through experiencing now two labors, two births, is that I've now learned how my body likes to labor and through Sienna's labor I understood and came to peace with how Hartley's birth went.
Vaness Henry:
26:30
Great word choice because of the manifestor signature.
Alex Cantone:
26:34
Yeah. So it was really interesting because in the same way that actually it was a little bit different, a little bit different in the I mean, obviously no two births are alike but it was like I was having such a hard time processing Hartley's birth and you were there, you were at my house, you were visiting and I was at the end of my third trimester at that point, you know, gearing up kind of in the last month, last six weeks, and I was sobbing to you and I was like I am scared, and that was one of the first times that I had admitted that I was sobbing to you and I was like I am scared, yeah, and that was one of the first times that I had admitted that I was terrified to give birth again and I was just terrified to go into labor again.
Alex Cantone:
27:17
Right, because those are two different things Of course, obviously, labor leads to birth, but it's like two different chapters of bringing your baby into the world, especially if they are long labors like mine. So I was terrified because I was so confused about what had happened and I felt like, once my labor started with Hartley who, again, for context, hartley's the first, just so if anyone's listening they're like who's Hartley, who's Sienna? Right, hartley is my first. So with Hartley I felt like the second. I went into labor. I was immediately out of control, like it was. Like the pain was so intense that I just I could not handle it. It was so scary, it was. It happened. It was like zero to a hundred, yet it wasn't actually progressing zero to a hundred, it was progressing quite slow, but the intensity, the discomfort, the pain that I was experiencing felt like I couldn't possibly handle anything worse than what I'm handling right now. I'm immediately suffering and I couldn't really being ripped into.
Alex Cantone:
28:21
Of course, I couldn't understand why, because I I had been taught and or heard through other stories that you know the beginning of labor is like this early labor, where you're meant to be able to walk through the discomfort and live your life until you can't, until you're, you know, too uncomfortable to be living life regularly. Right, like you were telling me a story about how you were like having contractions and like doing your makeup and I'm like I couldn't have even, like I was like screaming and excruciating pain right from the jump. So anyway, with Hartley's, hartley's birth ended in an emergency C-section after three days of labor.
Vaness Henry:
29:03
That's like three days of not quality sleeping Like you're exhausted at that point not sleeping at all.
Alex Cantone:
29:10
I ended up having to get an epidural very early on to sleep because I didn't have the energy.
Alex Cantone:
29:17
I had exhausted all of my energy very early on and I think it was because I did freak out a little bit and I didn't really know how to handle the situation and I was also under the impression that, oh, labor is starting, that means the baby is coming in a couple of hours, right, that wasn't the case for me. My labor started three days before Hartley arrived, and so day two, I'm like how am I supposed to keep doing this, you know, which then just ended in me having a C-section, I think because and now I'm only able to say this after Sienna's birth and being more educated I think I opted for the interventions too early and that's what sort of led to failure for my body to naturally progress. Also, birth happened the way it did. There's a lot of different things that I can evaluate and look at if I had only done this or if this had happened. I was doing so much of that the moment I found out that I was pregnant again and I was only six months postpartum. Hartley was only six months You're healing.
Alex Cantone:
30:26
Yeah, I mean and healing from a C-section too right. And healing and and being a first time parent and it's like the postpartum experience as a first time parent. It's just for me it was like what the hell like talk about, like expectations and reality, being so far from each other, thinking that it was going to be, and feel a certain way, and it actually kind of this like very traumatic entry into this whole entire new, not even chapter, but like book of life and you're just like what?
Vaness Henry:
30:56
There's not getting so much grief in that Like. So you're now holding crazy amounts of grief in your body from that disappointment, in a way.
Alex Cantone:
31:06
Right, Right. You're grieving the birth not going the way that you wanted it to go. You're grieving the loss of everything you knew to be, oh and.
Vaness Henry:
31:17
I felt guilty for my baby, for that was my baby's entrance, and I was like take ripped away from him right away, cause I was having my whole body was shutting down, that he's alone and his first, his first few moments he's with these nurses and not me. And you know, I was like, oh my, what have I done to him already? I fucked up already, you know. And it's like no, you're, they're just trying to you. Don't die, like right, maybe just focus on living, cause if you actually die, that'll be much worse.
Alex Cantone:
31:54
Right, that's going things that you, that you deal with, and I think these are all very normal things. From talking to so many mothers Now, it's like we've all dealt with our unique version of the guilt, of the grief, of the confusion, of the pain of of just everything the loss of identity, the like who am I now? What am I doing? What is my purpose? Oh, I thought that you know so many of us.
Alex Cantone:
32:09
Oh, I thought I was going to want to be this like full-time stay at home mom and this is actually like really not as fulfilling to me, Like this one single thing isn't filling my cup, and so there was just so much that I had like expected it to look like and feel like and be like, and it just all of those expectations, all of those desires and hopes and dreams kind of like crumbled and I had to like create a new throughout, you know, going on the roof, yeah, yeah, and and Hartley's first year, while being pregnant for half of that first year. So it's like I'm growing this baby and my stomach is starting to grow and I'm starting to, you know, have the pregnancy symptoms and everything, and I'm like I am like not ready to be pregnant again. But also I knew.
Alex Cantone:
32:50
I knew that that's what was going to happen, Like for me it was not a question of like, well, do I want this, do I not want this, do we want to do something about it? It was like, well, no, this is like happening, like that's just like what you always knew, yeah, you always knew, yep, and that's just like my values and my beliefs.
Vaness Henry:
33:06
Yeah, like I remember, like I've known you for some time now and I remember you were like dating, you broke your ankle. You're like fuck this, like I hate everything. And I was like girl in six months it could be so different. And I remember being like five years from now you might have five kids or some shit. And now I'm like, ow, you got a husband, two dogs, two kids and I feel like just a blink yesterday because that's what it feels like. You were like living in your sky, closet house, yeah, doing your little thing, and you were even then you were like I know, when it happens for me, it's going to be fast and it's going to be boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom all at once. And then here walks in the three to five peer generator, chris, and you're like I think he's a guy treating me exactly how I want, like I were taking, he's flying me around, he's like adoring me. And then I was like, look out, here it comes. And then, and yeah, like it's so fast.
Alex Cantone:
34:00
Yeah.
Vaness Henry:
34:00
And like my kids, all of a sudden nine. Like I can't even. I can't even explain to you how fast it is when they're little, to the point where it's devastatingly fast. You know, you're like, especially when they transform so much, when they're really little and they get their features and their personalities start to reveal themselves and it's like, oh my gosh, you know, but I can't even pretend to know what it's like to have two and to be and have have. Like as a projector who's designed to focus, what is that like on like, is it overwhelming with two that are that little? Is it easy and natural? How much help do you have? Like? What is it like from that projector focusing aura perspective? I?
Alex Cantone:
34:44
think that was the most challenging thing to kind of reckon with, as I was growing and the and Sienna inside of me was requiring my focus, my attention, because I needed to take care of my body, my pregnant body, while Hartley was going through his first year of development. Because I was like I want to be focusing on this child, I want to be tending to this child outside of me and this is like the one that I'm getting to know, right, who I'm still getting to know, because in the first year you like don't even know them.
Alex Cantone:
35:17
It's like the first six months you barely know them. I don't even feel like I totally developed a relationship with him until he was like one where he like really started interacting with us more and you get that reciprocity Right.
Alex Cantone:
35:29
But in the beginning it's like I'm still getting to know this baby and now my body is resetting and growing this entire new one, and so even just things like breastfeeding was something that I expected to do for a very long time, and once I became pregnant and I was through my first trimester, my body did this like kind of hard reset and I just stopped producing milk. So then I went back to like colostrum and it was barely coming out, and then Hartley's getting all mad and he can't sleep and this and that and we had to switch to formula, which I didn't want to do, but like it's just what else are you going to do, though, right?
Alex Cantone:
36:02
Another thing I had to reckon with and come to peace with and ultimately, every single decision that I've had to make, in every single pivot that we've had to make, has, like, been totally okay and exactly what has needed to happen. For my own sanity.
Vaness Henry:
36:17
I love this come to peace language you're using. You've opened it in a couple of times. I'm like what has this little manifestor done to mom? Like she's very carrying this manifestor and you're like I had to come to peace with that, I had to contend with that. I had to just settle that inside myself. I was like, whoa, I'm learning. I'm learning a little bit about my energy. Thank you, sienna. I'm learning a little bit about how I might impact others, sometimes Very strong impact. That's neat, that that's how you're phrasing, that you know, yeah, and that's just how it felt.
Alex Cantone:
36:44
So then, when I found out she was a manifestor, I was like, well, that makes sense. Everything that I've just experienced that makes so much sense, right, but it would everything I've gone through over the last nine months and on the topic of, like, going back to the birth, but also the energy, how am I like managing all of this? It's so, oh my gosh, being pregnant, oh gosh, it takes, it takes it out of me, like.
Alex Cantone:
37:06
I'm sure it takes it out of everyone, of course. Yeah, out of me, and especially at the end, when you're just like so big and so tired and you saw me I was still like moving around and having to hold Hartley and do naps with him and do stuff with him and like having to do that up until the day that I'm going into labor.
Vaness Henry:
37:24
But I know I was taught. Sometimes I'm telling you like sit down, I got it, like you're doing. I'm like I have a toddler. Like I have I have a one-year-old.
Alex Cantone:
37:32
You know what am I supposed to do and and in a way, it was a really good way for me to pass time in my pregnancy because, if I'm being honest, I didn't really enjoy like the being in my body during that pregnancy. It wasn't really an enjoyable experience for me in the way that I really enjoyed being pregnant with Hartley I wanted. I was like I just kind of want to get this. I'm like ready, I'm ready to get this over with, type of thing.
Alex Cantone:
37:58
So, as I was leading up to the weeks before going into labor, it was like man, how the hell am I going to do this? Like how am I going to do this? This just feels so overwhelming. And he's still so little and he's in diapers and he's a baby they're only going to be 14 months apart Like how am I going to do this? And at the same time, I find that a lot of things, as parenting has gone, is a lot of like worrying, creating expectations, creating stories about how something might go, anxiety over how something in the future might go, and then, when it actually comes, it's like, oh, that wasn't as bad as I thought. You know, okay, we, we figured out. We're figuring it out quicker than we thought, but to go back to the birth.
Vaness Henry:
38:45
So yeah, I want to hear about Sienna's birth because this was a natural birth. So the first birth, dramatic, like, like, just just so I could be my character for a second. A C-section removes your organs and puts them on a table beside you to get the baby out. It is a massive, massive trauma to your body, massive trauma, massive recovery.
Alex Cantone:
39:10
It's so intense, you're out of it.
Vaness Henry:
39:12
Your first meeting with your baby. You're out of it because you have to be sedated in a certain way. You're exhausted because you've labored for three days. There's this desperation, energy, and then there's the baby. So that's an extremely traumatic experience. And there is this sort of storyline that once you have a C-section, once you're always having a C-section not necessarily true. I'm now learning because you had a vaginal birth with Sienna.
Alex Cantone:
39:36
Yes, and I had to fight for it. I did have to fight for it.
Alex Cantone:
39:39
It wasn't off the table, but there was a lot of questioning, a lot of like, of course, letting me know what the statistics were and they're very close together and we normally wouldn't recommend and blah, blah, blah, blah blah. But because you're healthy, because this has been a healthy pregnancy, like I had to go through a lot of phone calls and evaluating and conversations to be like just letting you know like you only have like a 32% chance of being able to birth vaginally. Okay, like of the statistics, like with cause they want to prepare you, right?
Alex Cantone:
40:13
Yeah, they want to prepare you to have basically to, to have to have a C-section again. They're like, because of the the what had happened, because of how close together it is, because of how we're evaluating with your labor, like these are your chances. As if I was like plugged into a system and they like spat out a number and they're like, yeah, you have a 32% chance. And I was like, wow, that's really low, Like that's very low and I'm still going to do it.
Alex Cantone:
40:38
So I was very convicted, I was very determined, and I was very determined to become educated the second time around, because I do feel like the first time around there was almost this like blissful ignorance, just because you don't know how it's going to go and what it actually is, so that when it was actually happening, I was like, whoa, this is crazy. And so I really wanted to get to the bottom of what was my fear. What did I need to face? How was I going to prepare myself? You know what were my affirmations going to be? And ultimately, I had, I had recognized, through therapy, through talking with friends like you, through working with our doula, who was our doula again for Sienna's birth, and just getting a really good team of midwives around me. What I had really heard myself saying over and over again was I'm afraid, I'm scared. I'm scared of the pain, like I was. I was scared of the pain that I was going to feel, that I wasn't going to be able to go into it, that I wasn't going to be able to handle it.
Alex Cantone:
41:44
So my affirmations were like go into the pain, feel it. Oh, my chiropractor, who really helped me, who also happens to be a doula, and she was like one thing that she said to me that really stuck with me throughout my whole labor was you can do anything for a minute, because a contraction is only going to last a minute. Right, and love that. That. The pain your body is creating this. Therefore, it cannot swallow you. It is not bigger than you because your body is literally creating this pain and something about when she said that to me, it kind of unlocked something because I was thinking, oh, this pain right, this big bad pain monster is like taking me away and like I'm falling into, I'm being swallowed by it. But what she helped me understand was your body is literally creating the contraction. So therefore, there is nothing that your body can create that you cannot handle. That's not possible, right, your body is not made to handle of creating anything internally that you cannot metabolize. So it was really important for me to understand that and then that really helped me go in very informed. We talk with my doula and she was like you know, let's talk about pain relief, let's talk about your options. We know that you want to go for a natural, unmedicated birth for as long as possible. Let's talk about what that actually looks like, what we can do to help you achieve that and what interventions might be supportive if you decide when you are in labor that you need some support.
Alex Cantone:
43:26
So I was very aware that, like I had a goal, but I was very okay with getting relief if I needed it Totally, cause I didn't know how it was going to feel right later on, and so our plan was sort of like stay at home, labor at home, labor at home, labor at home until you and your body will know you will turn. She was like I, you will know when it is time. You will absolutely know You'll be able to look at Chris. You'll know in that moment when it is time. She's like obviously you guys are going to be tracking contractions and timing and if you know things are, whatever it is, it's like every one every couple of minutes, for an hour, for two hours or some whatever consistency that I don't even remember it now which goes to say like you end up, you don't even remember it like a couple of weeks later, right Cause you're in survival mode, though you know so totally and it's so primal.
Alex Cantone:
44:19
It's so primal that it's so in the moment that there's nothing that you're like thinking through. So it's like Chris was in charge of tracking the contractions, but then I was in charge of looking at him and going it's time, and so I was prepared to do this differently, to pace myself, to ground in with my affirmations, to go into the pain, to to know what was available to me, versus being like I'm just going to do it, I don't need anyone telling me, you know what it's going to be like. I was like I want to know, I want to hear stories. I was like so my, for the second birth, for Sienna's birth, I was really leaning into the experience of it.
Alex Cantone:
45:00
I was wanting to hear people's stories rather than being like I don't want to hear your story, I don't want you to like burst my bubble Totally.
Alex Cantone:
45:08
And that's kind of how I was the first time around, like I don't really want you to burst my bubble. I know how it's going to be. It's going to be different for me, you know. And it's just like you don't know what you don't know, and that's okay, and that's so okay. And and and reflect and be like, oh my gosh, that's what was happening then, and like that's where I was at then and I didn't know any better, and now I know better, and like that's the whole point. Right Is like to have an experience and then refine, like, reflect and refine and move forward in a different way. That's why we are here.
Alex Cantone:
45:44
And so when Sienna's labor began, I was laying in bed, I was reading and all of a sudden I started to feel contractions and I hadn't had any Braxton Hicks, like I really hadn't had any sort of any signs of labor leading up to but I started to have contractions and I was like, oh, these are contractions, and it's midnight and I'm like, okay.
Alex Cantone:
46:07
So I had my affirmations for months and months taped up on my nightstand so that every when I opened my eyes and I closed my eyes at night, it's the first thing I can see. And so I'm laying there with my book and I'm like, okay, go into it, breathe, just, let yourself feel it, engage. You know, just just go there. And it was very mild and it was just kind of a beautiful, interesting like trance that I was in, where I was just waving in and out of these contractions very mild, drifting off to sleep, waking up, kind of reading my book, a little bit more drifting off to sleep, and I spent the whole night doing that, never told Chris that anything was happening. I woke up the next day and I was like I started having contractions last night and he was like what?
Alex Cantone:
46:57
He's like, are you in labor? I'm like I don't know, I don't know, but I feel okay now, so we're just going to go about the day. And I just really I was like you have to pace yourself, you have to pace yourself body, pace yourself. Right, you have to do this. And so my mom was already here and I told her you know, I'm starting to have contractions, but I don't want to tell anyone. Like I want to keep this in our little bubble, like let's just go about the day per usual the Olympics was on.
Vaness Henry:
47:26
You informed everyone, though, though Al like like like the safe people who needed to know, instead of like being self-isolated like that Totally.
Alex Cantone:
47:33
Yeah, we told our doula. Chris knew, my mom knew that was our little bubble you had your community.
Vaness Henry:
47:39
You were ready. Okay, yeah.
Alex Cantone:
47:41
We're watching the Olympics, the gym, like gymnastics the next day, hanging out Hartley's hanging out, and I was like you know, I felt a little off, like something definitely felt off, but I wasn't like, wasn't having contractions or anything anymore. Until that night, same exact thing happened, laying in bed reading. All of a sudden the contractions start again, but they're coming on a little stronger, a little bit more frequent, a little bit more challenging to ignore, and so I spent that night sort of like pacing around my room and on the ball and just breathing and Chris was helping me through things and also kind of sleeping in between, cause I'm like let's keep resting, like I don't think we're making moves anytime soon. But by like the wee hours of the morning we had texted our doula again.
Alex Cantone:
48:29
I said you know, I was in the bath and I was like things are escalating starting to pick up and she's like okay, well, I want to come over just to sort of get a pulse on, like where you're at. I want to see you, I want to like see what condition you're in, so that we can kind of come up with a plan yeah. Yeah, yeah. So she came over and she's like I love the way your body labors and I'm like what do you mean? She?
Alex Cantone:
48:54
was like I don't see a lot. Like you are really. Your body really paces itself. It's really interesting. It's like you you start to contract, your body's making progress and then it goes I'm going to rest now. Now I need to recover. Now I need to recover because when she, by the time she came over, the contractions had kind of stopped again. So now this is two nights of these early labor contractions and she's like it's just really cool how your body labors like this.
Alex Cantone:
49:29
And something about her saying that was like empowering and also kind of broke my brain a little bit, because I had been thinking oh gosh, you know I'm contracting all night and then I'm waking up in the morning and nothing is happening and it's like we're not getting anywhere. And she was like every time it starts back up again, you are starting where you left off. Interesting, so it's not. You're not backpedaling during the time that you aren't having contractions or aren't having symptoms. Like think of it, as your body is just going into this rest phase. You for some reason labor in this like cyclical way.
Alex Cantone:
50:05
I don't normally like. She's like I don't see this often, but this is just what's happening and your body is taking the rest that it needs, like thank your body for the rest that you're taking because you need to gear up, because active labor you're not going to be able to rest. You're not going to have that same, you know, privilege to rest when things start to pick up. So where I'm sort of like starting to get nervous is how much longer is this going to take?
Alex Cantone:
50:34
Because from Hartley's birth I know things weren't progressing and that was sort of like well, we're going to induce you and then we're going to this happens and this happens and this happened. It kind of like was a domino effect of things getting out of my control and ultimately like can't feel anything anymore. And I get to the pushing and I'm like I can't feel him, I can't feel anything Like how do I push? And so by that morning so that's Thursday morning things were kind of normal again. During that day it was like crampy and it was a little bit harder to just go about life.
Vaness Henry:
51:08
But your water was like broke or anything. Hey, no, no.
Alex Cantone:
51:11
My water didn't break until I was like eight centimeters, like later on.
Vaness Henry:
51:16
Yeah.
Alex Cantone:
51:17
So, yeah, just went about my day, everything was fine. And then again that night. So this is night, three things pick up. Again this time things pick up. It was like, okay, chris, like we're, we're up tonight, like we're, we're staying up tonight. So you know, we're timing contractions.
Alex Cantone:
51:37
I'm in the bath, I'm in the shower, I'm I'm laboring all over, I'm doing anything I can to just get through each minute and just talking myself through it and but still like being able to talk in between and kind of have conversation with him, because it's the middle of the night and it's finally I'm in the bath again. I kept going into the bath. I just, every time I needed to to slow down, I would go into the bath because the bath slows down the contractions needed to to slow down, I would go into the bath because the bath slows down the contractions, at least for me. And so I go into the bath and it's like three o'clock in the morning at this point and he's timing the contractions and they're still pretty strong in the bath and I turned to him and I was like okay, got to go, we got to go, it's time she gave the cue that's her job.
Alex Cantone:
52:26
I feel it. I know we gotta go, that we gotta do this. Got in the car, went. Such a surreal feeling too to like you know, you're like leaving your house and you're like, oh, we're gonna come home with a baby. It's just like such a crazy. There's no word that can describe like that feeling. Like you're just getting into the car and you feel like you're going on this vacation but you're like coming.
Vaness Henry:
52:49
It's like oh fuck, my contractions. My contractions had ramped up so fast. Like I was induced because I was having a lot of medical problems and my doctor had gone away to Toronto and he was like don't have this baby when I'm gone. And I was like okay. And then the spare doctor came in, took one look at my, all my complications. She's like we're inducing you now. And I was like, yes, like I don't, I'm done, I'm done, I might've made that happen, you know what I mean. And they put a balloon, they inserted a balloon into the vagina, blew up the balloon and that like created. That was how I was induced. And they were like, okay, go home. I was like go home. And they're like you know, in 24 hours you might notice some discomfort, whatever. Just call us, come back. So I'm like okay.
Vaness Henry:
53:39
So then, like I go home, I crush a bunch of food. I remember I had three burritos and then I went in the shower. And then I'm in the shower Cause I'm like I'm going to get ready. You know it's in the evening, but I'm like going to get ready and I had just a little bit of blood, just a little bit of blood. I go upstairs and I'm like put my little bra on.
Vaness Henry:
53:53
I'm sitting in front of my mirror and I'm doing my makeup Cause I'm just getting ready and I don't even notice that I'm having to stop. I don't notice, like I'm my blush and then I'd stop and I go back and now I'm putting on some eyelashes and derrick is there and he's like observing me and I'm not aware and he's like are you okay, ness? And I'm like, yeah, why? He's like because every 45 seconds you do this. And then he was like imitating me. I was like you know, yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm kind of having a hard time put my makeup on. So I kind of like stop, like I'm like done up at this point, though, like I'm done, but I'm kind of like oh yeah, like I did need someone to, kind of like I was not aware that I was contracting, but I was very much in pain, and then zero to 60 all of a sudden. I can't handle this like I'm.
Vaness Henry:
54:46
I like very fast. He gets me into the car by the time and I live really close to the hospital by the time I'm in the car. I'm screaming in the car and it's rush hour, it's supper time and we're stuck in traffic and we're so close and the agony of like, just get me there, oh my god. And then I'm screaming again and it's like constant and there's people looking in the car and traffic and I'm like, like screaming my face off. I did not have this like daydreamy, blissful. I was like they told me I had 24 hours. It's been two hours Like this is not what I was told, and I'm just oh, like, and it was. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and this, I think the fact that it hit so fast. I was not prepared. Yeah, I can't imagine. Once I got to the hospital, I'm in the hospital room and realize what's happening, they were like we need to slow this down, this is too fast. And I don't actually know why that happened, but I think my counts were just too out of control and once they were like this is happening, I just went okay and just went into like a trance and then I labored for 24 hours and I just stayed in that trance the whole time and every time a contraction would come I'd go silent and I was just like in this different total, animal, total, like, absolutely fascinating, like.
Vaness Henry:
56:04
I remember I remember being so fucking fascinated with myself during, like as soon as that baby came. Remember I remember being so fucking fascinated with myself during, like as soon as that baby came out. I remember I was like I am so thin, I have never been so thin. And then my my doctor was like okay, let's just do another little push just to get the placenta, placenta out. And then I was real thin. It's crazy. So I love that you had this blissful. Oh, it wasn't blissful.
Vaness Henry:
56:35
Okay, no, I love that you had a journey in the car of like when I come home, I'm bringing a baby home.
Alex Cantone:
56:39
Cause it wasn't a blissful no, no, no, it was not like. I was not like, oh, this is fat. It was just more of this. Like what are we doing? Like what's going on? Feeling like you just feel like you're in like the twilight zone, I don't know, because there's that, like your, the contractions are coming and you just go like inside of yourself and you're like I don't, nothing around me matters, Like absolutely. It's such a, it's such an intense feeling. But we kind of thought that once we got to the hospital, that like that was it, Like baby was coming. This is at this point, Saturday 4 am, Right, this has been going on since Wednesday. It's been three full labor nights, so it's 4 am.
Alex Cantone:
57:23
We get there and they're like okay, well, we can only admit you if you're five centimeters. Oh, my God, I did not. Like you can still be here, you can like be in the hospital, but we can only like put you in the unit unless you're five centimeters. And I was so nervous because from Hartley's birth I kept getting checked over and over again and they're like you're not even one, there's nothing, nothing was happening and it was just this disappointment, over and over and over again. So I'm like bracing myself and I was like I don't want to get checked, Like I didn't think that that was the case. I didn't think they were going to have to check me. I thought it was like just going to happen without being checked Right, which can happen, Like you can refuse it. But they were like, well, technically, we like can't. We need to like know where you're at, especially with your history. We really need to know where you're at. And I was like, fine, fine, I'm six centimeters. Oh, I like Kate, get her in.
Alex Cantone:
58:19
I turned to Chris and I just I just start sobbing. I was like, oh my God, I did it, I did it. So already, that was the moment where I was like this is different, this is different. I did it, I, I did it. I did it at home, Like the, we were, we're moving according to our plan.
Alex Cantone:
58:41
You know, of course, that didn't last moving according to plan, but we got in the in the hospital room and they like, why are they asking you a million questions when you're like in you're having contractions? And they're asking you a million questions and I'm like lady, I'm, I'm trying to have a baby, and you're like asking me about my family history Like we've. We should have been doing this at some other appointment. Yeah, Anyway, she didn't arrive until 1119 that night. This is 4 am, so it was a full whole day basically. So it took me that long to go from six centimeters to 10 centimeters, but I labored in the hospital room and finally I was at eight and the same kind of thing is starting to happen to happen to Hartley.
Alex Cantone:
59:31
They're they're checking, you know they have a heart rate monitor on me, on my belly and they had to actually put one on her head inside of me and, um, her heart rate was declining. Also, we didn't know that she was a girl until she came out, so we're like baby, baby. So it's this whole thing of like. Oh my, you know, everyone's kind of in on it too, which is really fun, Like all the doctors and midwives and nurses and stuff. Everyone's like oh my gosh, it's a surprise. Like people, really like that and it's that's.
Alex Cantone:
1:00:01
It's fun, Like what happens, it's exciting, Right, Like yeah everyone's kind of like in on the whole thing and that made this like that, like built relationships in there for some reason and I just felt very, I felt very like welcomed in there. I had my, our doula with us and she every time there was kind of like a turn of events where they're starting to get concerned and wanting to monitor things or bringing a professional in and or things aren't progressing as quickly as they want them to. You know, we kind of like huddled together me, her and Chris and like all right, here's what's happening, here are the options. What are we going to do?
Vaness Henry:
1:00:38
Right.
Alex Cantone:
1:00:39
And it was starting to kind of go in the direction where Chris was like, I think, pulled Ash Ardula aside and was like I'm afraid that this is going to end in a C-section and I think this is going to be like devastating for Alex, like I'm I'm afraid this is going to like break her because she is so determined.
Vaness Henry:
1:01:01
And Ash was just like just hold on, just like she's in it, like just just hold on, you know we're gonna I always think of that role, though as the husband in the room there, the partner in the room, rather, I should say, and what you know, the person you love the most is in the most excruciating pain and you're really helpless, you really can't do much at all, even if you want to, and so I think that is a very, I think there's a huge shaping that happens to the partner of the helplessness and seeing like they can't protect or they can't step in, and it's natural for them to just, you know, I actually think they need more post care as well, like totally, or what they have to go through, and the witnessing of that and not and being helpless. So even him going and asking those is like showing, like the, the level of concern that he's now also forced to hold. But he's got to be a strong front and be calm for you, right, and so who is there for him?
Alex Cantone:
1:01:59
You know, totally he was like I'm nervous, Like. I'm and of course he's not verbalizing this to me, but I know what's going on Like.
Vaness Henry:
1:02:18
I know what the conversation is like when he's pulling her out of the room and I'm like, okay, there's. Like there, someone had just walked by and checked and he's like, is the fucking nurse going to deliver the baby? Like where's the doctor? Like like he doesn't know what's going on either. Like they don't. They're also not informed, right, right.
Alex Cantone:
1:02:36
And it's like you. There's just so many people in and out of the room the whole time that you're like I don't know who's supposed to be here for the birth, and so anyway, um, my, um, my water finally breaks at some point. I get to eight centimeters and whoa contractions at eight. I mean, I was like screaming, like screaming just how I was. I was eight centimeters in my shower when I put my makeup on and I drove crazy that was eight.
Vaness Henry:
1:03:02
so when I got there they're like we gotta slow this down, because I was like you told me I had a day and I just went, just like body just opened up immediately and I was like like there was no preparation or something.
Alex Cantone:
1:03:14
but also I'm grateful I was so done, being pregnant, you know I was ready.
Vaness Henry:
1:03:19
So I do wonder about my own willpower there of being like get me through this. But then, yeah, it was just like the contractions at eight centimeters. And that's when I said like the mind over matter thing like came in and it was like I'm detached from my body, my spirit has left the building, it's there hovering watching and my body is in complete animal primal.
Alex Cantone:
1:03:40
Totally. That's like totally where the pacing I'm grateful for, even though I mean it took me what? So 4am, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 6 hours to go from six to eight, so contracting the whole entire time unmedicated, it's a really, really long time to be, in active labor.
Alex Cantone:
1:04:01
So by the time I was at eight I had I had opted for nitrous which, like you, get so high from nitrous I don't think everyone does, but I was like, but so high and at one point I'm just like blacking out in between contractions. You're exhausted to have this nitrous thing. I'm going through it. I'm like it's dropping out of my hand. I'm like this. I'm like just hanging my head's hanging this one. I at one point I hear a doctor come in and she go and I hear her voice go oh, she looks so peaceful. And I went and that word again, wait a second. And I turned to Chris and I said everyone's reading me wrong. I'm something. I actually am not well like I'm not peace. I'm not peaceful, I am Let me get this straight, straight, straighten everyone here. I am not peaceful. And I turned to them and I was like it's time I need an epidural. But I was really careful Cause I'm like I don't want a high dose.
Vaness Henry:
1:04:55
I don't want to be cranking it up.
Alex Cantone:
1:04:57
I want it to be like the lowest, lowest dose walking epidural. I just want to take the edge off. I think I need to rest. I think my body needs to slow down again. So again, it's that like awareness of I've done a lot of work and I really need to rest, cause I still want to do this vaginally and I'm afraid that if I keep going at the pace that I'm going, then I'm not going to have the strength.
Alex Cantone:
1:05:19
It's like my body is going to progress because I'm in labor and it's happening whether I like it or not. But it's about me understanding my strength and my energy. Right, and that was the biggest shift for me from Hartley's birth to Sienna's was actually understanding what is my capacity, how much do I have in the tank right now and when do I need to call in an intervention or call it? You know something to help me pace myself or break at home? It was the bath, because I knew that the water would slow down my contractions. Now here, it's like I didn't really I could go into the bath but it wasn't comfortable. So I was like at this point I'm like I need the epidural because I know that that's going to take the edge off and I need to rest or else this is going to end in a C-section again.
Vaness Henry:
1:06:03
So, um, everything you're saying here. I know we're talking about labor, but there's some huge metaphors about life and what you're saying.
Alex Cantone:
1:06:11
All these words could be swapped out for the life journey, the path feel so much more taken care of now, why the postpartum journey has not been nearly as challenging as it was the first time around.
Alex Cantone:
1:06:32
Because it's like I know my limits in a way that I didn't, that I had to learn my limits that whole year, right? So learning my limits through the birth of Hartley, through Hartley's development over the last year and a few months, has helped, really, really helped inform me what my limits were going into this labor and knowing, like it's not going to be like other people, my body operates differently than other people, and like that's okay. And that was something that I really really continued to come to peace with over the course of those few days with Sienna's labor and birth, because I was like, okay, like my body is just different. Like my body doesn't move quickly, like yours, right, my body doesn't move quickly, like Chris is. Like I just move at a slower pace, I move at a different pace and I don't have human design talk access to any consistent motor, any consistent motor, right.
Alex Cantone:
1:07:24
So it's like I don't have the in that like battery power that other people have and, funny enough, a lot of my projector friends also had a similar birth to Hartley's birth and it's like, yeah, we don't have the same energy and it doesn't mean that a projector can't have a vaginal birth but it's like to know your energy and to know what you have access to. Yeah, that there's something sparkly there, alex. Right Like to know what you can summon and how to summon it. This goes for your entire pregnancy journey, into labor, into birth like this is so important.
Vaness Henry:
1:08:00
Something around you there, sparkly the projector, pregnancy something there.
Alex Cantone:
1:08:07
It's really interesting, it's really fascinating and and I've really like come to appreciate my body for how it did the work that it did in the timing that it did, because you could look at the labor and go, oh my gosh, this is taking so long and this is like, oh God, you know it's less than surrender, though Unsuccessful, but it's like this is like how my body needs to do it.
Alex Cantone:
1:08:27
And so after I got the epidural, you know, I rested a little bit. I got like a little tiny pinch of Pitocin to put me over the edge and because it just wasn't, things weren't progressing and I was like you know what I'm going to like reframe Pitocin, like give me a little dose, let's just like speed things up a little bit. And the last two centimeters I got there, you know, in a couple of hours. And then they were like, okay, it's time to push, but we want you to wait because there's someone who's currently in a C-section. We want the C-section doctors to be on call just in case you need to go in. Okay, in case this. So it's still at the final hour. They're like we still don't know.
Alex Cantone:
1:09:12
Fucking wait. Hey, right, we still don't know if you're having a vaginal birth. You need to wait to push. And I'm so I'm like in position, getting ready to push, and they're like we need you to wait like 15 minutes. And I was like that's not how this works. I'm like I need to push now. But it was so funny because in that 15 minutes I'm like still having crazy intense contractions Cause I have the very a, very like low dose, but still epidural takes the edge off and you know, we're like we're laughing in there. We're having conversations Like I'm just like chatting everyone's ears off Cause I'm probably like high off of nitrous and like I have this epidural and I'm just like, okay, let me tell you guys my life story. Here's how me and Chris met. Like everyone's just like are you okay?
Vaness Henry:
1:09:52
You're like no, that's what you needed, alex, you needed to hear that. Here's how I fucking got here. Here's let me tell you. It was 1980. Let's go back. My parents fell in love Like you needed to literally, literally.
Alex Cantone:
1:10:07
I told the story from when Chris and I first locked eyes and I told tell them everything. I tell them Hartley's birth, 15 minutes. I tell this like entire story. I've written a movie for everyone and everyone's like oh my gosh, this, how are you like talking right now? And then it was like this camaraderie thing too. And then all of a sudden they're like okay, the story's over and like now you're going to push, now you're ready.
Vaness Henry:
1:10:30
Story's done. Now we're here's where we are. We're at present moment. Let's keep telling the story. Go deliver, and we're like go.
Alex Cantone:
1:10:36
And I was like, wow, if I could only push, if I could only ever push, I would push out thousands and thousands of babies.
Vaness Henry:
1:10:45
I said the same thing. I loved pushing.
Alex Cantone:
1:10:48
I felt like a fucking God.
Vaness Henry:
1:10:53
Yeah, I was like so fun. It was the most empowering thing I've ever experienced.
Alex Cantone:
1:10:59
Yeah. So I'm like well, how do I push? Because I was pushing for like hours and hours with Hartley but I couldn't feel anything. So I need you guys to like train me how to push.
Vaness Henry:
1:11:08
So it kind of feels like pooing. Yes, I was like holding in Cause I didn't want to poop, cause I was like ah, and I was like they were like you're going to poop, like she's like just relax, just relax. And so then once I relaxed, yeah, he was three pushes and he was out.
Alex Cantone:
1:11:22
Yeah, that's how it was. I mean, I didn't it wasn't three, but it was. It was about 20, 25 minutes and she was out. And that was just the craziest moment, Cause it was like all of this this long, long, long, long labor, you know. And then they're kind of expecting, okay, like pushing is going to take a little while, and I'm like doing the first couple of pushes, and they're like keep going, keep going, no breaks no breaks, and I'm like no breaks. What do you?
Vaness Henry:
1:11:45
mean.
Alex Cantone:
1:11:45
Like isn't this going to take a while? And they're like there's a baby, has hair, and I'm like wait, you could see the baby. Like the baby's already there. And Chris was like the baby is like there, like you're already doing it, you're doing, you're doing it and I and they're like just go, go, go, go.
Alex Cantone:
1:12:10
No more breaks because the heart rate monitor is going and like multiple doctors are coming into the room and things are happening and they're getting scared and so baby's heart rate is like declining, and they're like it's now or never, like push, push, push, push, push, and I just the the like I'm getting emotional, like the strength that you summon, oh yeah, you have nothing left.
Alex Cantone:
1:12:28
And you're like yep, and you just you're just going and going and going, and and she came out and like I'm, I'm like, oh my God, like I did it, Like I like the, you know, you don't, I didn't experience that the first time and I didn't understand, like why I was so, why I was so determined to do it vaginally until I had that experience. And I was like this, like this, like this, I need it, I needed it so, so badly. I don't know what it was, but I just needed it. And I pulled her out and I was like, well, what is it? We don't know the gender. And Chris, Chris is like, oh my God, it's a girl. And, you know, everyone's like what was that cheering and?
Alex Cantone:
1:13:14
celebrating and just like, oh my God, I had my girl and I knew, I knew from the second I was pregnant that it was a girl.
Vaness Henry:
1:13:20
but you told me it's a girl. Yeah, you knew totally.
Alex Cantone:
1:13:22
But, like you know, it's to have it confirmed because your, your intuition who knows, could always be off, but it was just like the moment that she was born, I just like knew I'm like that, like she did this for me, like she, she initiated this for me, right, she helped me do this and it was like just this, this completely life altering experience of I don't know there's something about having a girl right, cause it's like your line, like your lineage of women and I was just like I.
Alex Cantone:
1:13:58
It is going to be different for you, like, like I am going to be like my best, most, my best, most empowered self for you. I'm going to take care of myself for you, and that's what has been so different for me over the last almost seven weeks now, since she was born, is just like I'm taking my self care, my attention to myself, my honoring of myself so much more seriously, because I want her to be a woman who knows how to honor herself, who is empowered to be herself, who sees, has a woman, you know, role model, who just understand, like, can, can come to and can, who just understand like can, can come to and can. I just want to be able to guide her in that way, and so there's just something that that has shifted since having her and it's like she empowered me to have this birth and now I feel like I owe it to her to like, empower her for the rest of of my life, here, you know, in her life're 32 now.
Vaness Henry:
1:15:08
And now we often hear like welcome to the roof. Now you're a six line. Do you feel the difference in that? Because it's like I will do this, because you're watching.
Vaness Henry:
1:15:20
Absolutely, and it will affect you Absolutely and you are my biggest accountability that I've ever had in my life. The most empowering thing I've ever felt and I've told this before but was when Hawk's head came out and then I had to get the shoulders out. That was the most pain I've ever felt in my life. I could feel myself tear there and I had this moment. It was so animal and I was like I can't, I can't, and that was what I, that was what came out of me, and the whole room and one voice went yes, you can.
Vaness Henry:
1:15:54
Yes, and I came right back into my body, summoned some kind of strength I didn't know I had, and did that final push and then you could feel him kind of slide out after the shoulders and then this little blue baby is then put, put right on my chest and it's like, and it's done. And then this little blue baby is then put put right on my chest and it's like, and it's done. And then the instruments all around the room and you're like and then there they are, and you're like I am not the same, yeah, and I will never be the same, and this is fucked.
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